Blondes A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He then takes her hand and says patiently, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh .. "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box." ************************** Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see " Closed for the Winter." ************* Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard 1 out of every 4 children born in the world is Chinese. **************** A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What? You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly! First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" " Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." ********************* Did you hear about the tragic accident at the mall? There was a power outage, and eight blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. ******************* A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder; still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate came out and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe to make the dents pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!" *************** A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor told her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. She got so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor impatiently took a paper lunch bag, poked a hole in it for her to see through, covered the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As she did so, he noticed tears streaming down her face. "Look, there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames." ****************** A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos; it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow, that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!" She bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk and asked, "What's that?" "Why, that's a thermos; it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" "Two popsicles, and some coffee." ******************* A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Sympathetically, her boss asks, "What's the matter?" "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away Feeling very sorry for her, he says, "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on her. He looks over and sees her crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister; she said her Mom died too!" **************************** A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from drug stores on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it at drug stores," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container................... " TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM " ******************** Blonde Year in Review January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C." October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button. ******************* Just in time for football season... Football finally makes sense! A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied," especially the cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!" ******************** 1 . Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. 2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters 3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. 4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training. 5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. 6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her. 7. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries. 8. Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse. 9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes. 10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammer. 11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed. 12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer. 13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese. 14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind. 15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building. 16. Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes. 17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone. ********** She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund. ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..he thought General Motors was in the army. ..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ..he thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ..under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked on Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..she tripped over a cordless phone. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..he studied for a blood test. ..he thought he needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ..he sold the car for gas money! ..when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead. ..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ************** RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side. Duh!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" THE VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers. BLONDE STEWARDESS An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!" ********** There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" **************** A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her cars tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, .... "HELLLLO, you need to roll up the windows first!" ******************** ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." *************** There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms." *********** Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow." ******************** How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied? Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? Refueling. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter. ------------------------------------------------------------ What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a Four-way stop. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket. ------------------------------------------------------------ What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front". ------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die. " So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in - breathe out, breathe in âEUR" breathe out..." ----------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." ------------------------------------------------------------ What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!" ----------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'. ------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redheaded in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." ------------------------------------------------------------ A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" ************ An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!" A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After an excellent, but healthy, lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. They found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature. A mirror - if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror. ********************** What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop. Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home. What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds. Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone! What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is whiteout all over the monitor. Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!" A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?" How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter. ************************ She was soooooo BLONDE; *she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. *she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. *she thought General Motors was in the army. *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. *under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." *she tried to drown a fish. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate. *she got stabbed in a shoot-out. *she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". *they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade *at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put Sagittarius. *she studied for a blood test-and failed. *she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train" *she sold the car for gas money *when she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. *she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" ,she turned around and went home. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. We'll miss her *************** A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer Dear Tom, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months: Januark Februark Mak Julk Thanks, Buffy ************ This blonde one day decides that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. ******** Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night! What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!" Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain. What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter. What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket. What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front" And the best one for last..... What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "OH, LOOK !! Donut seeds!!" ***************** A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh dear!" the Dr. exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back." ***************************** Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home. What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, daddy... doughnut seeds. How did the Blonde die ice fishing? She got run over by the Zamboni. Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone! What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth! Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22". Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. ********************************************************************** A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." ************************************************************************** Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X----X Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong. Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. ******************************************** Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tear were pouring down his face. The other blond man asked, " Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I came for a urine test." ********************************************************************* Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." **************************************************************************** Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" ----------------------------------------------- Blonde Jokes Q: Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? A: The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!!! Q: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? A: You can park in handicapped zones. Q: How does a psychic refer to a blonde? A: Light reading. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother? A: He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror. Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue! Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? A: He didn't know where to buy Left Guard! Q: Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples? A: His sister was using the toilet. Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't have to. They're born that way. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? A: It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? A: He said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer! Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused. Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say? A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months? A: Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years." Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: He missed. Q: Why are most blonde jokes one-liners? A: So men will understand them. Q: What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning? A: Packed his lunch and sent him to work. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics? A: She had it bronzed. Q: What's a blonde's favorite color? A: A light shade of clear. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates? A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field." Did you hear about the blonde that was arrested for shoplifting shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out the front door. (U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold connected together by a short string.) Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator. Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidently, she brought the escalator home with her. (She'll buy anything marked down!) A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?" Blonde: "I was born in the U.S. Friend: "Oh really, what part?" Blonde: "All of me, silly." A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. She began, "I think--" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor. ------- Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: To keep the refrigerator cold. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. ------- Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: They can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: He didn't know which ONE came first... Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: How does a blonde spell 'farm'? A: E-I-E-I-O. Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third grade. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: What do you call a blonde CPA? A: An impostor. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: Do blondes read Shakespeare? A: "No, who wrote it?" Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples' words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: Did you hear about that blonde that was an M.D.? A: Yeah, Mentally Deficient. Q: What's the Blonde's Cheer? A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah..." Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? A: Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia. Q: What does 'XXX' stand for? A: Blondes co-signing a note! Q: How did you know a blonde would do it for change? A: Maybe she thinks pennies are easier to count than dollar bills! A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals. He proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy - 'W'." ------- Q: Why did they stop doing the "wave" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. ------- Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: That's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! ------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin'. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident? A: The spare tire in his trunk blew out. Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45. Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. Q: What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home? A: He moved ten miles away. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: I don't know. A2: Neither did he. A3: He wanted to see the geese because she heard honking! Q: What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?" A: A blonde at a flashing red light. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to herself "oh well!" and turned around and drove home. On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES". By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but whatever it is, it must be bad since everyone's leaving. A blonde sees a freight train coming and speeds up to beat it across the tracks. The investigator at the scene of the accident wrote on his report, "Some idiot, racing to beat the train, died when he hit the caboose." Blondes don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason... "Heck, it's only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll just drive on the top half." OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!" ------- Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks! Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. Q: Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them pooping in the streets during parades. Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do... Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What did the blonde name his pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: How was the blonde killed at the pie eating contest? A: A cow stepped on his face. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night? A: They couldn't fit a deer into the car. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says, "Awww, look at the poor dead bird." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later, they were both killed by a train. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" ------- Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A1: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. A2: The brunette. The blonde is such an airhead. Q: Why did the blonde dye her hair brunette? A: She thought it would help her get a higher score on the SAT. A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters. ------- Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over a Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.? A: Nail polish! Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About two cans of hair spray. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that goes over their heads. Q: What happened to the suicide blonde? A: She dyed by her own hand. Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants. Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup. Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? Q: What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra? A: Thanks for the refill. Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: He has a checkbook. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Hide their hair brush! Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: He didn't want it the wind to mess up his hair. Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die. ------- Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q: What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? A: "Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!" Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. Q: How did the blonde burn his nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that ate rocky mountain oysters? A: She was dragged 200 yards. Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? A: She peed on her corn flakes. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. Q: Why don't blondes like buttered toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on. ------- Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice. Q: Why shouldn't blondes be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: He heard that the drinks were on the house. This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, "Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin." The milkman asks, "Do you want it PASTURIZED?". She answers, "No...up to my shoulders will be sufficient!" ------- Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: He drowns it. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: He was run over by the zamboni. ------- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: His I.Q. goes up! Q: What did the blonde get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool. Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an I.Q. of 125? A: A foursome. Q: What's five miles long and has an I.Q. of forty? A: A blonde parade. ------- Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: He wanted to know how to cook food stamps! ------- Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last year's Hide and Seek winner. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. ------- Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said "concentrate". AA: Like he can read! Honestly! Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say 'hi'. Q: Why do blondes shower for hours? A: The shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, and repeat!" Q: How do you get a blonde to be quiet? A: Say: "A penny for your thoughts." ------- Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask him if the blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. ------- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q. What do you call a smart blond? A. A Labrador retriever! Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking along when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. ------- Q: What did the blonde say when asked if he believed in smoking? A: "Yes, I've seen it done." Q: Do blondes smoke after sex? A: "Dunno, I never looked." Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? A: He wanted to go on a round trip. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? A: He thought it was Diet Coke. Q: What do you call ten blondes standing around in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. 3 blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a bl." He thought a moment and then asked her "What's a bl?" She replied, "Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite." He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine a ml." He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ml?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the 3rd one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a 15." He said, "Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it ?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7-7." ------- Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. Q: What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in his ear. Q: How does a blonde measure his I.Q.? A: He holds a tire gauge to his ear! Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it! Q: What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets. Q: What do you call fifty blondes in a swimming pool? A: Air bubbles. Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde? A1: Blow in her ear, if she's a natural blonde she starts to float. A2: If you hear the wind whistling through her ears, you know she's a natural blonde. Q: What's the difference between the following two sounds: A punctured balloon and a blonde with a hole in his head? A: None. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who went hot air ballooning? A: He sat too close to the campfire. ------- Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A space invader. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of his head. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What happened when the blonde got into the cab? A: The driver kept the "vacant" sign up. Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in an empty area? A: A vacant lot. Q: Why don't blondes go bald? A: Because the vacuum in their head holds the hair in. ------- Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: What is a blonde doing when he holds his hands over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call blonde brain cells? A: On loan. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. ------- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. ------- Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask him to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" ------- Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it! Q: How does a blonde high-five? A: He smacks herself in the forehead. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. ------- Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How did the blonde break his leg raking leaves? A: He fell out of the tree. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to him. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. ------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens? A: They couldn't find their eraser. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: He didn't like it because he couldn't get MTV. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. ------- Q: Why do blondes have big belly-buttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because it was missing a period. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on his ears? A: So he wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde make love in the microwave? A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes. Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a blonde with a brain? A: Pregnant. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Q: What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins? A: He wanted to know who the other man was. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. Q: Why does a blonde only change his baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to twenty pounds." Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because he loved children. I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. ------- A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. ------- BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." ------- A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" ------- A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from ?" ------- Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A1: "What's a light bulb?" A2: "You can change those things!?!" A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!" Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. ------- The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices to international competition. However, all had excelled during the early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde, who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other women were using their arms!" ------- There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. ------- A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in..... breathe out..... breathe in...... breathe out." ------- Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" ------- A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions. The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions." "O.K." said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter "T". "That's easy", said the candidate for admission. "Today and Tomorrow." "Hmmmm", said the angel. "Well I can't argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year." "There are twelve", said the candidate. "Twelve!!??" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?" "Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc." "O.K." mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first name." "God's first name is Andy." "Oh? What makes you say that?" asked the angel. And the candidate replied, "It's right there in the song." (the candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, "In The Garden") "And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Medical Terminology Anally - occuring yearly Artery - study of paintings Bacteria - back door of cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails Benign - what you be after you be eight Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U Caesarian section - district in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - a punctuation mark Condom - small apartment complex Congenital - friendly D+C - where Washington is Diarrhea - journal of daily events Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Fester - quicker Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke" Fibula - a small lie G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game Grippe - suitcase Hangnail - coat hook Impotent - distinguished, well known Intense pain - torture in a teepee Labor pain - got hurt at work Medical staff - doctor's cane Menopause - button on the VHS remote control Morbid - higher offer Node - was aware of Outpatient - person who had fainted Pap smear - fatherhood test Pelvis - cousin of Elvis Post operative - letter carrier Protein - favoring young people Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em Recovery room - place to do upholstery Rheumatic - amorous Scar - rolled tobacco leaf Secretion - hiding anything Seizure - Roman emperor Serology - study of knighthood Tablet - small tablet Terminal illness - sickness at airport Tibia - country in North Africa Tumor - an extra pair Umbilical chord - part of a parachute Urine - opposite of you're out Varicose - located nearby Vein - conceited ---------------------------------------------------------------------- If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes. Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes. Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males. Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait. Bimbag - a blonde's purse. Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag. Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes. Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes. Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard. Bimbillion??? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything. Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook. Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her. Bimboette - a young blonde. Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else. Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes. Bimboozle - to fool a blonde. Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence. Bimbozo - another name for a blonde. Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes. Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde. Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is. Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall. ************************************************************************************ There are 3 blondes stranded on a desert island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off of the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off of the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. **************************************************************************************** A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next." ******************************************************************************* A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". *************************************************************************** A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra shorts, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, he rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. He leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and he hears... "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..." -------------- A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning." -------------- Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first dumb blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. ------------- Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." ********************************************************************* A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." *************************************************************************** A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in,"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"" ****************************************************************************** A depressed young blonde woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. Your beautiful, blonde and Very well endowed. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ************************************************************ A blonde competed with a brunette and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, sheremarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms. ****************************************************************************