Subject: LA COMPUTER OR EL COMPUTER? A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are Supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. ******************* The 12 Bugs Of Christmas... A Software Developers' Version 1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: See if they can do it again. 2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. 12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. *************************** Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national Internet system. Beware of: GEORGE BUSH Virus...(Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the mother-board and father-board bought it.) AL GORE Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting) CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background) JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files) PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything Disney virus:. Everything in the computer goes Goofy Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Ellen Degeneres virus: . Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive George Michaels virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus: instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again Joey Buttafuoco virus: ..Only attacks minor files LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows Martha Stewart virus: Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus Michael Jackson Virus: preys on child processes Mike Tyson virus: .Quits after one byte Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it Ollie North Virus: plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB Paul Revere Virus: warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\ PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care Ronald Reagan virus: .Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits Saddam Hussein virus: ..Won't let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus: ..Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Sony Bono virus: .Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where Spice Girl virus: .Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop Tim Allen virus: .Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down Tonya Harding Virus: turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons Woody Allen Virus: bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card X-files virus:...All your Icons start shape shifting **************************** You may be a geek if... You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend. You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct something he said. The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system. ...and offer advice on how you would change it. You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel. You own any shareware. You know more IP addresses than phone numbers. You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address. Your friends use you as tech support. You've ever named a computer. You have your local computer store on speed dial. You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers. Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building. You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry. Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't. You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window). You know more URLs than street addresses. Your pet has a web page. You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link. ********************* And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com. ********************** Subject: e-Mooning << We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and ( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^^o_) a wise ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass ************** Y2K Backup System While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers. Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.) Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY. *********** (Sing the following to the tune of various Beatles' songs) "Yesterday" Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in Y-2-K. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in Y-2-K. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Eleanor Rigby" Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Unix Man" ("Nowhere Man") He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. Knows the block size from du(1) Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Write in C" ("Let it Be") When I find my code in trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. ********************** And God Made The Computer 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT. *********************** Some of these are new... A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded,” No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." - - - - - - - - - - - - - TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - Overheard in a computer shop: CUSTOMER: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." SALESPERSON: "Certainly, Sir. We've got a large variety." CUSTOMER: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - CUSTOMER: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: CUSTOMER: "Hi, Is this the Internet?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - CUSTOMER: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?" TECH SUPPORT: "Yeah." CUSTOMER: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" TECH SUPPORT: "Uhh.. uh... uh... yeah." - - - - - - - - - - - - - Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." - - - - - - - - - - - - - TECH SUPPORT: "All right, now double-click on the File Manager icon." CUSTOMER: "That's why I hate this Window - because of icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." TECH SUPPORT: "Well, that's just an industry term, Sir. I don't believe it was meant to..." CUSTOMER: "I don't care about any 'Industry terms'. I don't believe in icons." TECH SUPPORT: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet. Is 'little picture' ok?" CUSTOMER: (click) - - - - - - - - - - - - - CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!" TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?" CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game." TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed." TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?" CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'" CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - CUSTOMER: "Your computer's sound card is defective and I want a new one." TECH SUPPORT: "What seems to be the problem?" CUSTOMER: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out of the left. It's defective." TECH SUPPORT: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice-versa." CUSTOMER: (sputter)... (click). TECH SUPPORT: (snicker...) - - - - - - - - - - - - - I got a call from a woman who said her laser printer was having problems. The bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet herself. So she sent a print job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved. - - - - - - - - - - - - - I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color in the rainbow printed except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; the offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about tech support. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front of the screen but the computer still couldn't find it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her. - - - - - - - - - - - - - This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. TECH SUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters." CUSTOMER: "Oh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." - - - - - - - - - - - - - For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what was typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking, red-faced. I started to type... "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. ME: "Don't touch me!" HER: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." ME: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" ... Etc... Finally I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a "C-" in that class. - - - - - - - - - - - - - I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key. When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius. - - - - - - - - - - - - - My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the work stations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" **************************************** Remember When ... A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean... A RAM was the cousin of a goat.... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment a program was a TV show a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead *********************************************** Year 2000 solution Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned NT and Win 98 system conversions which will also address the Y2K (Year 2000) issues we are facing. All computers will be removed from the desktop by January 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision: 1. No Y2K problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. 4. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.S. help desk. 5. Reduction in hardware costs. 6. Elimination of all software license fees. 7. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires. 8. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due to its extreme portability. 9. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will simply replace it). 10. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job. In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. *********************** WARNING: Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- 10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?" 9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds. 8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links. 7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day. 6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him. 5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button. 4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again. 3. Your dog has his own webpage. 2. So does your hamster. And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web: 1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages. ************** 10 Signs You are Addicted to the Net ==================================== 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG. 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed. ************** Why we should feel sorry for tech support people: Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ***************************** I just heard that these messages are under consideration for NASA's implementation of Windows: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 4. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 5. Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y) 6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted. Cereal port not responding. 7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 9. User Error: Replace user. 10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. Security is on the way. ******************************** Heaven And Hell In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. + + + + + + + + + + In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price. ************************************** ---------- From: Subject: Organizational charts -------------------------------------------- What the organization chart doesn't tell you -------------------------------------------- In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. So I have listed --- from lowest to highest in order of prestige --- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions --- usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. He manages no one. He answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. He never has time to write any. He hopes, someday, to be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. He designs new systems. He writes specs for new systems. He devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. He is next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project. He doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume. 7. Project Leader: A Project Leader manages several projects at once. He analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. He coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. He monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. He has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. He wants to be a programmer again. 6. Operator: The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. He makes Programmers beg for tape drives. He makes Analysts beg for disk space. He makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. He has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. He is going to law school at night. 5. Systems Programmer: Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. He can crash the system during user demos. He can make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing. 4. DBA: No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them. 3. Manager: The Manager is sometimes called a Director, or an Assistant Vice-President, or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. He wants to finish next year's budget. He wants to finish last year's appraisals. He wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, he only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 2. Department Secretary: The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors and supplies. He can make the copier self-destruct just by going to lunch. 1. Contract Programmer: A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit, or go to meetings, or fill out time cards, or keep his complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them. ********************************************************* One of those "Dear Jen" letters... Dear Jenny, Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters. Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy. ** Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked, too. ** Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy. ** Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy. ** Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, Bill. ** Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, Bill. ** Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, Bill. **** See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much, Sally Gates, Concerned Parent ******************************************************** Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't know. Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then... Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot: I know, you press the Start button... Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot: I did. Costello: When? Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press? Abbot: Start. Costello: Start what? Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude! Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbot: To shut down the computer, press... Costello: Don't say, "Start!" Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot: Don't be ridiculous. Costello: Am I being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. ************************************************* WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. G3 300 MHz Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken. Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999999978 times. Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.) Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket! NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice. VB Chicken: US Highways! (aChicken) Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken. Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing. ****************************************************************** New words - old song Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..." Windows, that is... PC's... Internet... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They said "California is the place ya ought a be", So he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" OT, that is... unpaid... no personal days... The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll work him 66!" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start up your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear' ********************************************************** MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufactures to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now; BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufactures. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to the BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousand of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon. ************************************************************************** IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC, GEEKY TEXT STRINGS, YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU... - - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course, Of little worth is your ire, The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking, Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep, Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. **************************************************************** REMEMBER WHEN....... A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN.... AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT..... MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW A CURSOR USED PROFANITY A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD *************************************************************************** Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on - just in time for the clock to show that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves! ************************************************************************* /* Because we care about the health of your computer... */ ****VIRUS WARNING**** If you received an e-mail with a subject line of "Bad times," delete it immediately without reading it! It is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access codes, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave your dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Bad times will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. Bad times will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattress and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few of the signs. BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID! ********************************************************************* After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance: Technician: Hello. How can I help you today? Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer... Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply... Cust: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files... Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.... Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command... For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded... Tech: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem... Cust: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes... About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer... Cust: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking... Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? Cust: MS-DOS 6.22... Tech: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out... When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again... Cust: I need a new power supply... Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply... Tech: What did he tell you? Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE... ********************************************************************* Subj: Maxims for the Internet age 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. ***************************************************************************** the top ten ways to scare a computer geek. 10 Announce the cancellation of the X-Files and the 99-cent Whopper special at Burger King. 09 Replace the No. 2 pencils in his pocket protector with No. 2.5 pencils. 08 Ask him to embark on an Actual Reality trip to the grocery store for a quart of milk. 07 Two words: TRS-80 '97. 06 Replace his mouse with a dead rodent. 05 Shout, "I just heard the Star Trek convention's sold out!" 04 Replace her Jolt cola with guava-pineapple nectar. 03 Start a sentence with, "I was looking through your Netscape history file..." 02 Tell him Cheez Doodles cause blood poisoning. and the Number One way to scare the hell out of a computer geek... 01 Replace her Pentium II with an Apple II. ***************************************************************** Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker 10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill. 9 He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. 8 When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net." 4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker... 1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!" *********************************************************************************** Acronyms Version 2.0 PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too WWW: World Wide Wait MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, the Operating System Hangs PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP: Lots of Infuriating and Silly Parentheses MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data on System MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers ACORN: Asinine Computing Often Revered Nonetheless ***************************************************************************************************** The Real Programmer At Play Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the computer room: At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand. A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows. At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done. The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are: Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general: No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at night.) Real Programmers don't wear neckties. Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know!] Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table. Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. ********************************************************************************************** "And then the programmers came to Jesus and asked: 'Master, which is the greatest language of them all?' And Jesus responded, saying 'The greatest language is the Language of Love.' And lo, the programmers did scoff and bicker among themselves, because they had never heard of this language. They had used COBOL and Fortran and even PowerBuilder, and did not see how a language they had never used could be better than all the languages they had studied all their lives. So they confronted Jesus in an effort to trick Him and asked 'In this new language called love, what are the most powerful commands available to You?' And Jesus answered them, saying 'The language has but two commands altogether: Love God and Love Man.' And the programmers were further incensed and proclaimed to one another: 'Perhaps he has developed a new RISC system with an instruction set of two? But how can these two instructions, which we have never used before, be so much better than all the instructions we have spent our lives learning and which we use every day?' And so they confronted Jesus again, and said: 'How is it that Your two-instruction language can be so powerful? Our languages have many instructions, with many variables associated with each instruction. The more instructions available, the more combinations of instructions you can create and the more you can accomplish. What can You accomplish with only these two commands?' Then Jesus asked the programmers: 'If a man truly loves God with all his heart and soul and mind, and truly loves his brother as much as he loves himself, is there anything that such a man cannot accomplish?' And the programmers were sore perplexed and confused, for they had never thought of it that way before. As the programmers continued to debate and discuss these issues, Jesus asked: 'Are there those among you who would like to learn this language called love?' And one programmer spoke right up, saying 'What is the training schedule for this language? Surely with only two commands, we can learn this language in a matter of weeks, or with off-site training, only a few days!' But Jesus responded: 'I can place the basic principles of this language into your life in the blink of an eye, but to master the language will take you a lifetime.' And a great uproar was heard among the programmers, for these were bright programmers and could master any set of commands in a short time. The roar turned to laughter as they joked about how foolish anyone would be to start learning a language that took them so long to master. Then they slapped each other on the back and sauntered back to their cubicles, knowing that this language must not be for real, or if it was for real, it was not for them.' [VERY loosely based on Matthew 22:34-46] ***************************************************************** Understanding acronyms at a glance is a crucial skill in today's fast-paced, high-tech world! Thus this list: AOL Always off line ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers ****************************************************************** How many .... Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. ****************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************* Press Release Microsoft Joe-Bob tm REDMOND, Wa. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest of y'all tm ," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. "Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!" Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob tm puts the user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain. The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse. "This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12- gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors. "Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to a demand, that's all." Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps." Apple declined to comment. ********************************************************************************************* Microsoft redefines comic strips! This simple piece of Americana! Microsoft is at it again! All my life, when I read comics, I thought the "zzzz" in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time! With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light. Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in those comics had on their minds! If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start your Microsoft Word, type in "zzzz" (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened! ******************************************************************************** And the latest IBM news brief: KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut. Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today." According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem." Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of- the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit Ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse. "This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual. IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village." ************************************************************************** A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water; avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't yours --- get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. ***************************************************************************** Subject: Mouse balls This is an actual alert that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The official who wrote it was completely serious. ======================================================== Mouse balls are now available as Field Replacement Unit (FRU). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It's recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. ***************************************************************************************** Technology for the Country Folk: LOG ON: Making a woodstove hotter LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the fahrwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the fahrwood FLOPPY DISK: Whacha git from tryin' to carry too much fahrwood RAM: That thar thing whut splits the fahrwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wahf LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MAIN FRAME: Hlds up the barn ruf PORT: Fancy flatlander wine ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wahf asks you 'bout it MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer rat hole. SCSI: Whut ya look like when you been out with the boys takin' two days to work through the newest batch of Ray Bob's hooch HIGH DENSITY: Whatcha run into when ya haven't mucked the stalls out for a while NETWORK: That's whut Fred does to land the channel cat whut you caught with that new lure you borrowed from Ronny Lee ***************************************************************************************** Subject: More Tech Support "Hello. Tech Support, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with this program." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in the program, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is." [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam] ************************************************************************************************ REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED ======================================================== I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk. " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Help Desk Tales 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yea, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"? Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!! 13. Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in. ***************************************************************************** Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM's response was, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?" *********************************************** In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero. On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. ******************************************************************************* Jobs, Satan(aka Microsoft's Bill Gates 8/97) announce deal "The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish." In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil. During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current market price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way." Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years. The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness. Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community. In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day's high. ******************************************************************** WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects from gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom. ************************************************************************** Subject: Windows 95 errors Complete List of Windows 95 Error Messages WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes WinErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, I'm not lying, your monitor is wrong WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that? WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell me again. WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect condition (I just formatted it), I don't like it any more WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimized, so I had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place WinErr: 294 Blackmail Error - $500 to Gates or your computer gets screwed Winerr: 294b BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or I'll show your wife the JPG's you just downloaded ********************************************************************************************* A man was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." ********************************************************************************************** A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? ********************************************************************************** I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of onflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It as taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, it's software requirements and compatibilities and be damn careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade. ******************************************************************************* INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: