4 Golfers on Sunday Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. "You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week." The second man, a well known realtor, says, "That's nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come." The third man, a travel agent says, "I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that's gonna end-up costing me." The fourth man, the engineer, doesn't say anything, so they asked him about it. He says "Well... it's no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: 'intercourse or golf course', and here I am, just like that." ****************** Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into an engineer. He checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. ********************** The Priest, The Thief, And The Engineer It's the French Revolution and they're doing the usual beheading. Today they're leading a priest, a thief and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. They take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the thief comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the thief as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer says "Hey, I see what your problem is." An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ************************************************************************************ Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten 2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. ********************************************************************************** Subject: Cartoon Laws of Physics (not really engineering, but had nowhere else to put it) Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity. Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking. Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky. Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground. Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed. **************************************************************************** *** YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF... *** If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt) If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail ***************************************************************************************************************** A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a software engineer were going for a ride in the same car together. Suddenly, the car's engine stopped running and they coasted over to the side of the road. The mechanical engineer says, "I think the engine has seized. We better tear it down and rebuild it." The electrical engineer says, "I think there's something wrong in the wiring. We should examine each and every electrical connector for a loose contact." The chemical engineer says, "I think the fuel system is contaminated. We should drain, flush, and refill the carb and gas tank with fresh fuel." The software engineer is quiet. The other three engineers look at him and ask him what he thinks the problem might be. The software engineer says, "I'm not sure, but I suggest we all get out of the car, get back in, and try it again." ***************************************************************************** A translation of engineering terminology: 1.A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED -- We are still pissing in the wind. 2.EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -- We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3.CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION -- We know who to blame. 4.MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH -- It works "OK", but looks very hi-tech. 5.CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED -- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6.PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE -- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7.TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING -- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8.THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED -- The only person who understood the thing quit. 9.IT IS IN THE PROCESS -- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10.WE WILL LOOK INTO IT -- Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11.PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL -- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12.GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING -- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13.GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION -- I can't wait to hear this bullshit! 14.SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS -- Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15.ALL NEW -- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16.RUGGED -- Too damn heavy to lift! 17.LIGHTWEIGHT -- Lighter than RUGGED. 18.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- One finally worked. 19.ENERGY SAVING -- Achieved when the power switch is off. 20.LOW MAINTENANCE -- Impossible to fix if broken. *************************************************************************************************************** The Engineer's Song (To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies) Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said, "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer," VAX that is...CRTs...Workstations; Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said, "Jed move away from here," They said, "Arizona is the place ya ought to be," So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee, Intel that is...dry heat...no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube, Fed him some more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said, "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is...Unpaid...Mandatory The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six," Tired that is...Stressed out...No social life Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door. Laid-off that is...Debriefed...Unemployed ***********************************************************************Alabama Professional Engineering Test 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside? ******************** Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. ************** Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file, and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. You might be an engineer if: Choosing between buying flowers and upgrading your RAM is a problem. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting. You comment to your friend that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You know what http:// stands for. You see a good design, and have to change it. You still own a slide rule and know how to use it. You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. You window shop at Radio Shack. Your laptop computer cost more than your car. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've tried to repair a $5 radio. ***************** ENGINEERS EXPLAINED People who work or play in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical (QCAO) people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, but is really only a Technician at best, (often only an Appliance Operator) give her(or him) this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You ... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes, "it depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: 1. Things that need to be fixed, and 2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below: - "I won't change anything without asking you first." - "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." - "I have to have new equipment to do my job." - "I'm not jealous of your new computer." POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if she [or he] snaps out of it. RISK Engineers HATE risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS - Incentive Licensing - Hindenberg - Space Shuttle Challenger - SPANet (tm) - Hubble space telescope - Apollo 13 - Titanic - Ford Pinto - Corvair - D&C The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK - public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD - a certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: 1. How smart they are. 2. How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will often go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem - other times, just because they forgot. And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point, it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. ************ Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crookedly. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans. In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below: "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. ******************* An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him up here, now." Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" ************* Have you ever wondered why sales people make more money than engineers. Here is the Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. NOW YOU KNOW. ************************ A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few = hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer." ********************* A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?" ************** LIGHTING CHARCOAL GRILLS or WHY ENGINEERS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE... Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal- lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund." Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit. Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. Engineers are like that. ************************************************************** A group of QA inspectors from Boeing were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length." ********************************************************************************* You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages. Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts. Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces. Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out. National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute. Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute. Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person. Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out. Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death. ************************************************************************ Comprehending Mathematicians-Take One A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms. The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. ====================================== Comprehending Mathematicians-Take Two A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be in a room but 5 come out, 2 must go in to return the room to an empty state. ============================================ Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take One Several professors were asked to solve the following problem: "Prove that all odd integers are prime." Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false. Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime ... Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ... Computer Scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault ============================================== Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Two Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all." The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad fuel; we'll flush the system and be on our way." They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it." ============================================ Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Three A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" ========================================================= Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Four A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went around to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair. The instructions on the bottle said: Wet hair Apply shampoo Lather Rinse Repeat ================================================ Comprehending Engineers, -- Take One A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? ================================================== Comprehending Engineers-Take Two In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." =========================================== Comprehending Engineers-Take Three [Editor's Note: This is just a joke. It never occurred. Please remember that. ] There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace. =============================================== Comprehending Engineers-Take Four Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician. "Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer. When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ================================================== Comprehending Engineers-Take Five The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary. ===================================================== Comprehending Engineers-Take Six Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ************************************************************************************ YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER.... If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE. If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes. If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner. If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place. If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car. If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. If you window shop at Radio Shack. If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies. If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment. If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is. If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven. If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush. If you own "Official Star Trek" anything. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project. If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor. If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. If you truly believe aliens are living among us. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. If you have more toys than your kids. If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight. If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary. If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already. If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week. If you did the sound system for your senior prom. If your checkbook always balances. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. If you spend more on your home computer than your car. If you know what http:/ stands for. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio. If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory. If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate. If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail........ *************************************************************************** TEN TOP REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER 10.- The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system 9.- No "couple" enjoy a better "moment" 8.- We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship 7.- We have significant figures 6.- EK301: The motion of rigid bodies 5.- Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 4.- Engineers do it to specification 3.- According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite 2.- We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force 1.- WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE ******************************************************************************** An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."