HILLBILLY FARMER An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet - caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ************ An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. " These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies." ************************* A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... ****************** A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost. "$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied. "That's too much" said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so" said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out." ***************** A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows: Basic cow 499.95 Shipping and handling 35.75 Extra stomach 79.25 Two tone exterior 142.10 Produce storage compartment 126.50 Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60 Four spigot/high output drain system 149.20 Automatic fly swatter 88.50 Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90 Deluxe dual horns 59.25 Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40 4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16 Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: 2843.36 Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00 TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options) $3143.36 **************************************** A slightly different version of an earlier one! What a terrible tragedy. A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'" ************************************************* Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "How are you feeling?" ************************************************************************** Two salesman were traveling through Wisconsin one February when it started to snow. One of the salesman noticed a light up on the hill next to the road and said, "It looks like a farmhouse up there. Let's go and see if we can spend the night in the barn and get out of this blizzard." In response to their knock at the door, a woman answered and after hearing their problem said, "Come in gentleman. You don't have to spend the night in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here, so come in and I will make us some dinner." After a warm dinner and some relaxing TV, they all retired for the night. The next morning, they saw that the road had been cleared and after a nice breakfast, they bid the widow goodbye and continued on their trip. About a year later one of the salesman received a registered letter from a law office in Wisconsin. After reading the letter the salesman phoned his friend and asked, "Mike, do you remember when were stuck in the snow in Wisconsin?" "Sure," replied Mike, "Why do you ask?" "Well tell me something else. Did you sneak into that woman's bedroom that night and use my name?" "Sure," said Mike, "After all, you are single and always sleeping around, but I'm married and I can't, so I figured it wouldn't make any difference. But why all the questions?" "Well, he replied, "I just wanted to thank you. It seems the woman passed away and left me the farm!" ********************************************************************* A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts. He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows." After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens." After a while his wife starts rubbing his penis. She says "If this would only get hard more often then we could get rid of the farmhand!" ************************************************************* A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc..... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn." ******************************************************************* Life on the Farm One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals. Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again. His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should I?" *****************************************************************