A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! "WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? "Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ******************* Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend". Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool". Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her". They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, "Golf course or Intercourse?" So she says, "Wear your sweater". ************* Mitch and Mary had only been married for two weeks. Mitch, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies. So he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked Mary "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." Mary says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 Different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc. Mitch does not know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie ... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, When Mary interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face." She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that the she Was getting chills holding it. Mitch, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I will not be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D' OEUVRES, CAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!!" ******************* LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,"I've got a big problem Doctor, every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is..." she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ************** A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked." **************** Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy Birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes. They will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful, "Happy Birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on the office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a great idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable." and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. ************* Who Wears the Pants? A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite' on their wedding nite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body, "I can't wear your pants," she said. "THAT'S RIGHT" said the husband., "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "TRY these on,", He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "HECK," he said, "I can't get into your panties!!!" She replied, "That's right!!!! and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!!!!!" *********************** A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." ****************************** How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? * LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. * LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. * MARRIAGE - when you lose your child in a crowded room. * LOVE - when intercourse is called "making love". * LUST - all other times or when intercourse is called "screwing". * MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? * LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. * LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. * MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. * LOVE - when you share everything you own. * LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. * MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. * LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. * LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. * MARRIAGE - what's a climax? * LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". * LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. * MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. * LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. * LUST - when all you write is your phone number. * MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks. * LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. * LUST - when you couldn't give a shit. * MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. * LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling...". * LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". * MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. * LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. * LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom naked. * MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. * LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them. * LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them. * MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them. * LOVE - when nobody else matters. * LUST - when nobody else knows. * MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. * LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. * LUST - when the song on the radio determines how you do it. * MARRIAGE - when you never listen to talk radio. * LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. * LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. * MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. * LOVE - when you're only interested in doing things with your partner. * LUST - when you're only interested in doing things to your partner. * MARRIAGE - when you're only interested in doing things alone. * LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does. * LUST - when you're only interested in one thing. * MARRIAGE - when you're only interested in is your golf score. ************************************************************************* This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness. Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park." The man said, "But officer this is my wife." The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife." The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her." ******************** You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck ***************** A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." ********************************************************************************** A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the church to take his place at the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says "hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the BEST blow job I have ever had in my entire life." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says "hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited?" The bride replies "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life." *************************************************************** When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry -- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason -- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. -- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every Word you say, talk in your sleep. -- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. -- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. -- During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener." -- Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. -- We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog. -- According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. -- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." -- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. -- A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." -- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. -- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. -- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." -- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. ****************************************************************************** A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class. "After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time." "Did it work?", the teacher asked. "It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven." ********************************************************************************** ARE YOU QUALIFIED? -------------------------------- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." WHAT A DINNER ----------------------- A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ************************************************************************************** After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. ******************************************************************************************* A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replies. "What word?" she asks. "Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband! "What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?" Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven." "Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word." "What word?" he asks. "Czechoslovakia." *************************************************************************** Married 40 Years A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago-or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all that's left?" ************************************************************************************* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? *************************************************************************************** A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" ********************************************************************************* There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!" He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" ********************************************************************************* This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" ************************************************************************ Subject: GAS GRILL So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine summer day as they're out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, "Man, your butt is getting fat." She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there? I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!" The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she goes inside. Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup. They're both the same size." When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hey, honey, how 'bout it?" She thinks for a moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks. "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big gas grill for one little weenie." ************************************************************************ A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter." **************************************************************************** A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." ************************************************************************ Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're here or not." (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either, and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests ************************************************ Marriage (Part VI) The Man of the House The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' His wife replied, "the funeral director?"