EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother . 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands. 2. He had wine with His meals. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian 1. He was at peace with nature. 2. He ate a lot of fish. 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do. AMEN *************** Dear Husband; I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife; Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, though a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed: Rich As Hell ************* Men Are Just Happier People- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier! ********************* Here's a prime example of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch (Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea. Whore. (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. ************* New Drugs on the Market S t . M o m ' s W o r t Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. _______________ <> _______________ E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. _______________ <> _______________ P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. ______________ <> _______________ D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. _______________ <> _______________ F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. _______________ <> _______________ A n t i b o y o t i c When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up _______________ <> _______________ M e n i c i l l i n Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" _______________ <> _______________ B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. _______________ <> _______________ Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. _______________ <> _______________ J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. _______________ <> _______________ A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. _______________ <> _______________ S e x c e d r i n Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. _______________ <> _______________ R a g a m e When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. _______________ <> _____________ N O T I C E Always consult your family physician before taking new medication. ******************** It is tough being a man... If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your *** and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive !@#$%^&*. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!. ************** Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex 4. It is important that these three women never meet. ************** GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick. ******************************* 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another Male........Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes. ************* The English Language... From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reason. The best submissions: Detective Novel -- f., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up. Swiss Army Knife -- m., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright. Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders. Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and, of course, there's the hot air part. Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on. Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload. Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question. Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained? Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people. Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. ************ Yesterday, scientists for the health system of Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed: 100% of the men gained weight. Talked excessively without making sense. Became overly emotional. Couldn't drive. Failed to think rationally. Argued over nothing. Had to sit down while urinating. Couldn't perform sexually. Refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. ************** HE SAID.....SHE SAID He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what? He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money. She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.' She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too' He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen' On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere' Written just below it: 'I do not' He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex. She said...Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick. He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." *************** HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED-AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY-FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST-IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY-EXTROVERTED. She doe! ! ! ! ! s not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. _____________________________________________________ HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL He does not act like a TOTAL-ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION He is not ! ! ! ! ! a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY He is ! not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED *********************** A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing by the door. "What are you doing?" he ask. "This is my love dress,” she replied. Husband, "Needs ironing!" ************* Subject: New MA Degree A new two-year degree is being offered at your local university that men should take a keen interest in: "Becoming a Real Man" That's right , in just six quarters, you too can be a real man and earn an MA degree (Male Arts) as well. Please take a moment to look over the program outline: FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4 am. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook I EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 101A What's Hers Is Hers ECON 101B What's His Is Hers ECON 101C What's Theirs Is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What WAS Yours is Hers Too SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVES: (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting f&*k from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Saying "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her Can't wait to see the schedule for a Ph D. ************ The perfect breakfast....... You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton. *********** A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " ********************* LOVE, n. * man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another; * a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses; * what Plato described as "a grave mental disease"; * something they say is blind; it's marriage which is the real eye opener; * that emotion which is not true until returned; * that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore}; * what rich countries have in common with the residents of all third-world countries; * is like measles; much worse when it comes late in life; * the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species; * the only fire for which there is no insurance; * an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow; * the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625}; * the only game that two can play and both win; * the last and most serious of the childhood diseases; * what makes marriage possible; habit makes it last; * is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise; * a disease like measles, we all have to go through it; * a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder; * the only game that is never called on account of darkness; * the tie that blinds; * consists of happiness, given back and forth; * the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds; * that which makes the world revolve; * is really just being stupid together; * a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself; * is a fan club with only two members; * the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished; * the triumph of imagination over intelligence; * the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion; * a strange feeling that comes over a man; when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name; * is like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop; * is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties; * something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods; * a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old; * a situation; when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons; * something which combines the two greatest powers on earth; war and peace; * the balm that heals the wounds that words make. *************** THINGY: Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE: Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION: Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT: Female: The body part that +ACI-looks bigger +ACI- no matter what is worn. Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT: Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT: Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE: Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. ************ That Never-Ending Battle... BASIC MATH Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime Money A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. Future A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. Success A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Happiness To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Marriage A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Married men lived longer than single men, Married men are a lot more willing to die. Offspring Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorites, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing Up A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. Natural Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. Argument A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after, well, that's the beginning of a new argument. Closing Thoughts: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. An English professor wrote the words, 'a woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: A woman, without her man, is nothing. The women wrote: A woman: without her, man is nothing. Punctuation is everything! ***************************** This might me how Genesis would go if a woman had written the Bible. In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's things, Eve?" He asked. It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful ...but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see .. where did I leave that useless boob?" *************************** MEN & WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. ************* 1 The female makes the rules. 2 The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification. 3 No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted. 4 If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5 The female is never wrong. 6 If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say. 7 If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13. 8 The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all. 9 The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13. 10 The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgment she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13. 11 The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12 Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset. 13 The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female. 14 The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spatial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish. 15 The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-refutable. 16 If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior. 17 Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. ********************* In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. ****************** THIS IS FOR MEN WHO ARE TIRED OF MALE BASHING HUMOR 1.) How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you. 2.) Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 3.) Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. 4.) How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." 5.) How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 6.) Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. 7.) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course, at least he'll shut up after you let him in. 8.) All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. 9.) What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. 10.) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always". 11.) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 12.) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. 13.) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. 14.) Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. 15.) Marriage is a 3 ring circus; Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, suffering. 16.) Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me "What's on the TV?", I said, "Dust!". 17.) In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 18.) My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. 19.) Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ********************* MAN VERSUS WOMAN SUCCESS A successful man is a man who makes more money than his wife can spend A successful woman is one who finds such a man STYLE Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed Women somehow deteriorate during the night MONEY MANAGEMENT A man is a person who will pay 2 dollars for a one dollar item he wants A woman will pay one dollar for a 2 dollar item she does not want HAPPINESS To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try and understand her MARIAGE EXPECTATIONS A Woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not A Man marries a woman expecting that she will not change but she does MARRIAGE DECISIONS Men marry because they are tired Women marry because they are curious; both are disappointed MARRIAGE AND FUTURE A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband A Man never worries about the future until he gets a wife UNDERSTANDING There are 2 times a man does not understand his wife: before marriage and after marriage LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die. MISTAKES Any married man should forget about his mistakes, no use that 2 people remembers the same thing THE BATTLE A Woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after her is the start of a new one. ******************** WOMENS RULES FOR MEN 1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them. 2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote. 3. I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS. 4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck? 5. My sexual preference is NO. 6. My body is a temple, Now get on your knees and pray. 7. It's not the size that counts, it's....no, wait, size does count. 8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice. 9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever. 10. Save your breath for your inflatable date. ============================================ HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop. *************** DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT: "I know the myth is that men want: Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened." So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it. 2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't. 3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right? 4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time? 5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass." 6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single. 7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting. 8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consommé instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right? 9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds then started thinking, "Why did I marry this hamster?" 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?" DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT: "Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want: Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil. Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right? And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men. 1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright. 2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim. 3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages. 4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!! 5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT IT!!!!!! 6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important. 7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos. 8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came. 9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions. 10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man. So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head? ********** If Dear Abbie was a man Dear Abbie: Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ... and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. *************** TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell or TAUPE 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN *************** A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger? ***************** << The Nudist Colony A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!" ***************** A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do." "No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." "No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised." ************** Why Men Can't Win If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. ********************** What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW ************************ THINGS WOMEN NEVER SAY ...... BUT MEN WISH THEY DID!! 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my bush! 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart! Do another one! 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house. 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. 14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 17. Your mother is way better than mine. 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 21. Christ, not the mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... ************************* Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: Dear (her name), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply) _____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make. ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ______My breasts are bigger than yours. ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, (Your name) ************************************** A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as *she- and *her.- He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. ***************************************** Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." *********************************************** Everday I give thanks to the Goddess I have two mounds upon my bodice I shave my legs, I sit down to pee I can justify any shopping spree Not to a barber, but a beauty salon Can get a massage without a hard on Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass I always save money by using coupons Can admit to others when I am wrong Don't drive in circles at any cost So I don't have to admit when I am lost Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john Let me tell you men Listen to me boys Those things in your pants That you treat as toys You love them more then we ever will We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill I spend two hours preparing for a date Only to find you're two hours late I don't watch movies with lots of gore Don't need instant replay to remember the score I won't lose my hair I don't get jock itch And just cause I'm assertive Don't call me a bitch I don't wear the same underwear everyday The food in my fridge has no sign of decay I don't go to Sears To look at the tools I don't cheat at poker I follow the rules I don't smoke cigars Don't pay for drinks at bars I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi" And it's o.k. for me to cry I know all you men Think that you're "IT" But compared to a woman You just ain't SHIT! ***************************** WHY ME LORD? A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" The Lord responded "So you could love her, my son". "Why did you make her such a good cook?" The Lord responded "So you could love her, my son". The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but .... Why did you make her so stupid?" The Lord responded "So she could love you, my son." ******************************************************************************* Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. *************************************************************************************** 3) Finding the Right Girl When I was in junior high school, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with large breasts. ********************************************************************* HOW TO KEEP A WOMAN HAPPY Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, ervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. HOW TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY Show up naked. *************************************************************** Women's English: Yes = No No = Maybe Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. The answer to "What's wrong?": The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole Men's English: "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! ************************************************************************ If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. ******************************************* If men rewrote the "Rules" Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. ******************************************************************************************* 11 things you never hear a woman say: 1.Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ? 2.You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ? 3.A fake one will do. 4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it. 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body. 7. My mother is a real old bitch. 8. No, no, you buy me too much already. 9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it. 10.What headache ? 11.Put your money away, let me buy the round. ************************************************************************* Saying goodbye to the 90's way Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: Dear (her name), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply) _____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-YJelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make. ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ______My breasts are bigger than yours. ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, ***************************************************************************** 100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! (No offense intended or implied) 1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3) You know stuff about tanks. 4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5) Monday Night Football. 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8) You can open all your own jars. 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12) Your ass is never a factor in job interviews. 13) All your orgasms are real. 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17) You understand why Stripes is funny. 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19) Your last name stays put. 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22) You can kill your own food. 23) The garage is all yours. 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27) You never have to clean a toilet. 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34) You don't have to shave below your neck. 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38) You can write your name in the snow. 39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41) Chocolate is just another snack. 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44) Flowers fix everything. 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think. 51) Foreplay is optional. 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut. 59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 60) The world is your urinal. 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64) One mood, all the time. 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69) Same work...more pay! 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79) ESPN's SportsCenter. 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 81) Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers. 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F…k it." 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92) You think the idea of punting a cat is funny. 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99) Baywatch. 100) There's always a game on somewhere. 10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY 1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. 3) No sofas in your restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) you can't flirt your way out of a jam. 10) "Women and children first." ************************************************************************************ - Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire". ***************************************************************************** A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. ***************************************************************************** A young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did, and found that the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Heck, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!" ********************************************************************************** During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.. I have been successful only 36 times, which averages only once every 10 days. The following is a list of the reasons why I did not succeed more often: The sheets are clean 54 times It's too late 17 times I'm too tired 49 times It's too hot 20 times Pretending to be asleep 15 times The neighbors will hear us 3 times Headache 22 times Sunburn 7 times Your mother will hear us 9 times Not in the mood 43 times You will wake the baby 17 times Watching the late show 6 times New hairdo 5 times Too sore 16 times Wrong time of the month 12 times Have to get up early 19 times Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I was finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. To My Dear Husband: I think you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 5 times Didn't come home at all 36 times Didn't come 21 times Came too soon 33 times Went soft before you got in 19 times Toes in a cramp 10 times Working too late 38 times Have to get up early to play golf 29 times In a fight and got kicked in the balls 2 times Caught it in your zipper 4 times Got a cold and your nose kept running 3 times Your coffee was too hot and burnt your tongue 3 times Had a splinter in your finger 2 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 20 times Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 6 times Too busy watching football on TV 98 times Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and was screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breath. ******************************************************************************* Here are 2 new proposed elements for the Periodic Chart. Element: Women Symbol:Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic foods. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: Man Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180+/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. ************************************************************* What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote. **************************************************************** A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" ************************************************************************ ----------I'm Glad I'm A Man---------- I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west I don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear, I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball It's more fun than dealing with women after all I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery I don't get all bitchy every 28 days I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! -----I'm Glad I'm A Woman--------- I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! ************************************************* Subject: FW: Gender Dictionary 1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. 2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. 3. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ used for mooning (and farting). 4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend 5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two fold outs, or three stooges. 6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. 8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. 9. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. 10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 11. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. 12. Thingie (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.?? ; ( male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra. 13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup. ************************************************************************************** The Difference Between Men and Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. (Yes!) OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." **************************************************************************************** School Play Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." **************************************************************** Husband and Wife Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!! **************************************************************************************