New Virus There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. *********** The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by chemists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have: 1 neutron. 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons 111 assistant vice-neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occured in less than one second. Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Chemists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ********** The Ten Work Place Commandments 1 - Never walk without a document in your hands: People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2 - Use computers to look busy: Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. 3 - Messy desk: Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4 - Voice Mail: Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. 5 - Looking Impatient and Annoyed: One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. 6 - Leave the office late: Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 7 - Creative Sighing for Effect: Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 8 - Stacking Strategy: It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). 9 - Build Vocabulary: Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. 10 - MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this to your boss by mistake!!! ************************* There is truth in this story somewhere.... Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Defense Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!" **************** Top 12 Clues That The Human Resources Department Doesn't Know You Quit (as submitted to www.dilbert.com) 1. They invite you to the next "Breakfast with the Chairman." 2. Four days after I left (after giving a two-week notice), HR called me saying that my ex-boss told them my shift had started and I was not there. They were wondering if I planned on showing up any time soon. 3. I once received a "Notice of Personnel Action," forwarded from my previous address, notifying me that I had been fired for nonattendance from the job I had left three months before. It was signed by the lady who conducted my exit interview. 4. You get your invitation to the annual company picnic six months after you quit! 5. Your last pay deposit includes a 12-month retroactive raise. Yes, your boss's counteroffer for you to stay and protect him from his incompetence. The HR department calls two months later asking where you now bank. 6. True story: Employee quits. About a month later, he gets notice that he has been laid off and qualifies for a generous severance package. 7. The company directory has my home phone number in it, so after two years I still get sales leads even though I work for the competition! 8. I left six years ago. I'm still getting the company newsletter in the mail. They recently published the names of employees with 5, 10 years, etc. I was on the 10-year list! 9. They send you the forms for the "open enrollment" for insurance. 10. You get nasty letters demanding that you attend your review. 11. A W-2 that says you got paid $0.00 this year. Again. 12. HR didn't know I worked there in the first place. ***************** Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time." 7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken." 2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. " ... in Jesus' name, Amen." ************* Subject: A Lost Dr. Seuss Book! I Love My Job! I love my job, I love the pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my boss, he is the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day! I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers. I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file. I'd love them more if they worked a while. I'm happy to be here. I am. I am. I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am. I love this work, I love these chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men. Those friendly men who've come today, In clean white coats to take me away!!!!! *************** ZODIAC SIGNS BASED ON JOB POSITIONS: Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... 1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title) 9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL" ************** An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache." ************* LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT Lesson Number One ***************** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: * To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two ***************** A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: * Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three ****************** A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons: * Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. * Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. * And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! ***************** THE DATA ARE COMING Robert Sarnoff, Pres. RCA Mentally, she went insane *Jim Miller, Rockwell-JSC They are here, Se*or Don Weber, RCA-MSFC A forgot check is no good Neto Ramos, Rockwell-JSC On teleconferencing: "Tell Hildreth _____; he is listening, isn't he? Bert Jackson, JSC This meeting is over!!! E. D. Hildreth, MSFC I don't care about parity Jim Felder, CSO-MSFC An instantaneous event doesn't take very long Bob Mitchell, Rockwell-JSC If it ain't in writing, it ain't gonna happen Lou Litman, RCA-MSFC Now that we said that, we have to make it happen George M. Ward, Jr., RCA The Power Lies In Engineering Irv. Sainker, Hayes-MSFC But at the switch at Minneapolis-St. Paul? E. C. Mitchel, CSO-MSFC Millerisms from Irv Sainker about the old Comm Crew Mr. Ward done tole me____ George "QC" Walker, RCA Remember the ADX 7300 Bob and Wally, IT&T-MSFC PAO: If it ain't in writing, it ain't in writing H. R. Propst, RCA-MSFC The bus is where the data are Charles Scales, MSFC G__ will punish these people some day... S. Bates & Company, NASA It's not the critic who counts...... Teddy Roosevelt, U.S. Pres. I don't care what's going on; are we winning or loosing? E. A. Authier, Kentron The last time I cried was the last time I cried Martha Appleberry, BCSS That's not my understanding of what was discussed two years ago Harvey Golden, MSFC How much less will it cost if we leave out _____ Ann McNair, MSFC Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! Lynn Vandeberg on NPSS Irv was right, again!!! Irv. Sainker, Kentron If you want it real bad, you'll get it real bad Stu Finnley, CSO-MSFC We'll just run coax from building to building to building to building, etc. Clarence Fulmer, MSFC It's not that we don't want to work for you, we just don't want to talk to you The original 56 with RCA Hildreth, Now that you "drug" this bear in here, who's gonna skin it? J. N. Foster - DIR/A&PS I know what I said and I know what I signed, but I am not supporting PSCN! MSFC Director (Now Retired) "What's a LAND? "What's a Brouter" "Why all this documentation?" Steve Mann, BCSS Question about MSFC Cable Plant, "How do you put air in the cables." Al Bitter, Hayes International Answer: "We air up the manholes on Friday, whether they need it or not." L. W. Woodall, Ex-RCA Remember the good times... Bob Weaver, Hayes, Kentron ********************** read these memos in chronological order FROM: Ms. Pat Smith, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus! FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our general manager dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now! FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. ************** The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern times, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing Riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired". 8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed. 10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance. 11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses. 14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. ********** YOU MIGHT BE FROM HUNTSVILLE, AL. IF: 1. You're thinking of just buying a pollen-colored car. 2. You don't care HOW they do it up North. 3. Your garage holds two John Deere lawn tractors and a fledgling electronics company. 4. You can give directions to anywhere within city limits using only Taco Bells as landmarks. 5. You don't think Lily Flag is an Easter banner. 6. Your favorite comeback is, "As a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist." 7. You're unable to make out a grocery list unless it begins with (1)Mission, (2)Goals, (3) Milestones and (4) Deliverables. 8. Someone asks you a question and you reply "Dooo whaattt?" 9. You wrote in "Dilbert" on the '96 presidential ballot. 10. You have ever bought milk and bread because "Gary said it would be like this". 11. "merge" is only a program on your computer. 12. You have ever gotten a ticket for doing 41 in a 40 mph zone. 13. You've actually met more than one "redneck engineer". 14. You're convinced that turn signals are an option when buying a car. 15. The cotton field you passed last week is now a new subdivision with homes starting at $160K. 16. You often remark how much nicer this city was before all those folks from Michigan started showing up. 17. You start worrying about Tornado Watches in Mississippi and watch all the local weathermen track the storms as they roll through Muscle Shoals before they hit Huntsville. 18. You are a Subject Matter Expert on Doppler Weather Radar just from watching all the TV coverage of the weather. 19. You actually get excited when they announce that the Big Spring Jam has actually booked a band that has had a hit within the last 10 years and the band does not play country music. 20. You consider an on-ramp to Memorial Parkway a nice place to park until the traffic thins out. 21. You drop an ice cube tray on the kitchen floor, and your kids want to take two snow days off from school. 22. Your kid's first field trip is to Cook's Pest Control. 23. You learned to count backwards and thought "lift off" was the last number. *********************** YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90's IF... ...You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations. ...Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket. ...You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. ...You learn about your layoff on the news. ...Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. ...Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined. ...It's dark when you drive to and from work. ...Communication is something your section is having problems with. ...You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. ...Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. ...Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital." ...You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check. ..."Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January. ...Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers". ...Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them. ...You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer. ...You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device. ....During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members. ..."Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free. ...You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month. ...Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes. ...You read this entire list and understood it. ********************************** For those of you who attend a lot of meetings, this should make those meetings go faster! If you don't attend lots of meetings, consider yourself lucky. How to play: Simply tick off 5 words heard in one meeting from the following list and shout out BINGO! It's that easy! Synergy Proactive, not Reactive Win-Win Situation Think Outside the Box Take That Offline On the Same Page Client-Focused Strategic Fit Gap Analysis Best Practice The Bottom Line Core Business Lessons Learned Touch Base Revisit Game Plan Bandwidth Hardball In the Loop Out of the Loop Go the Extra Mile Benchmark The Big Picture Value-Added Movers and Shakers Ball Park Fast Track Result-Driven A Done Deal Empower Employees No Blame Stretch the Envelope Knowledge Base Total Quality Mindset Put The One to Bed Quality-Driven Move the Goal Posts Peel the Onion Back Testimonials from other players: "I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled BINGO." "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." "The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed BINGO for the 3rd time." "I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." "People are even listening to mumblers, thanks to Buzzword Bingo!" ************************************ YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF... 1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes. 4. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. 6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers. 7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year. 8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager. 9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter. 10. You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings. 11. It's dark when you drive to and from work. 12. You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commander's, military, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance. 13. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 14. "One Oh Shit wipes out years of Atta Boys" are words to live by. 15. You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor. 16. Appearance is more important than substance. (Hear!!! Hear!!!) 17. 17. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 18. There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it. 19. Art involves a white board and dry markers. 20. The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why. 21. Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk. 22. Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem. 23. You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating. 24. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 25. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. 26. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted. 27. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you." 28. Training is something spoken about but never seen. 29. Vacation is something you roll over to next year. 30. No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference. 31. Change is the norm. 32. Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years. 33. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint. 34. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 35. You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position. *************************************** A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you! Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.' 'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!' The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.' ********************************** MCDONALD'S FAST FOOD JOB APPLICATION: THIS IS AN ACTUAL JOB APPLICATION SOMEONE SUBMITTED AT A MCDONALD'S FAST-FOOD ESTABLISHMENT AND THEY HIRED HIM! (EDITOR'S NOTE: I WOULD HAVE HIRED HIM TOO!!) NAME: GREG BULMASH DESIRED POSITION: RECLINING. HA BUT SERIOUSLY, WHATEVER'S AVAILABLE. IF I WAS IN A POSITION TO BE PICKY, I WOULDN'T BE APPLYING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. ************************** Subject: Interoffice Memorandum INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: Human Resources It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO... TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF You want it WHEN!@#? TRY SAYING I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF No f...ing way!! TRY SAYING Really? INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me. TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF It's not my f ing problem. TRY SAYING That's interesting. INSTEAD OF What the f...?!?! TRY SAYING I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF It won't work. TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF Who cares? TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING Excuse me sir? INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die. TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass. TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF This job sucks. TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING I see. INSTEAD OF Blow me. TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF Another f..ing meeting!!! TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit. TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF He's a f...ing prick. TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go getter. INSTEAD OF She's a ball buster. TRY SAYING I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF You don't know what the f... you're doing ***************** ************************************* How company policy begins Start with a cage containing five apes.In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." That's how company policy begins. **************** An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." ************************** Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's: 22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. *************************** The Rise and Fall of Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately. ******************************* MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!! The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. *********************************** We've all had bosses who were fond of those inspirational posters that are supposed to make us work harder and not complain about pay. Here are some sayings we'd all really like to see printed on those posters. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job ... someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. If you think we're a bad company, you should see our competition. Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwality". Two days without a human rights violation. Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?" We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. ***************************** What they say versus what they mean... 1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) 2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) 3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) 4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) 5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) 6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) 7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) 8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) 9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely Hopeless.) 10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) 11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) 12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) 13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your baloney.) 14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.) 15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) 16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) 17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so) 18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) 19. Years of development. (One finally worked) 20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) 21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) 22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) 23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) 24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) 25. I didn't get your e-mail. (Cause I haven't logged on in weeks) ************************************** A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in business." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." *********************************** Dilbert's latest vocabulary additions ---- NEW WORDS FOR THE 90's CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists. TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa. FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.) VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. BLOWING YOUR BUFFER - Losing your train of thought. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located." Don't bother asking him,he's 404, man." GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in." KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Ohnoseconds happen all the time If you can't recall a sent email. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits. UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um... friend." YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We allowed $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." *********************************** CLARIFICATION OF CORPORATE LINGO "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. ************************ Some Dilbert Experiences reported by workers: 1. I worked for a company that went through a period of sudden, widespread, individual layoffs. Things became so bad that we defined an optimist as someone who brought their lunch to work. 2. I was working at a company where employees were leaving in droves. Someone wrote the following graffiti in the bathroom. "If you want to work at a small company, just stick around." 3. My Boss asked for a report that would show him the data for all fields in the database that contained spaces. We gave him a blank page. 4. My Boss called me into his office, irate that his computer wasn't working properly. The computer screen read "Press F8 to continue". My Boss was pressing the F key and the 8 key. 5. Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". 6. During my recent review, my Boss recommended I take a "Constructive Confrontation" class. Then he added "Don't take the class given by our personnel trainer, I can't stand that condescending ass". 7. When asked for written procedures, one "Boss" replied, "Just because it's not written down doesn't mean it's not documented!" 8. When an employee doesn't feel like working he is called shiftless and lazy. When my manager doesn't feel like working he calls a meeting. 9. Our Company is hard on the chase of Quality! In fact we have been handing out plaques for those areas who score well on portions of customer service surveys. One of the categories is Quality Assurance. The plaque was dutifully given and proudly displayed for a year. The department was number 1 in "Quality Assusrance!" 10. A personnel manager explained to me in a grievance meeting, that my manager slapped me with two disciplinary actions the day I returned from a 3-month stress leave, because he wanted to clear the air and start with a fresh slate." 11. My company has certain key programs, part of what they call their "strategic vision." All other projects are considered "non-strategic" and get no funds for capital equipment, research or marketing. After my non-strategic department's sales beat the rest of the company for three straight years, they renamed my department "Strategic Systems." 12. While working as an end user support person, one of the top managers called me on the phone screaming: "This stupid computer is not working because it can't read my floppy ! Get up here now and fix this! I rushed up there and could not believe my eyes; HE HAD FOLDED A 5.25 FLOPPY INTO A 3.5 DRIVE ! He told me that he had a little trouble getting the floppy in; but it fits now. 13. My Boss was shown a surface imperfection on a product we build; "It's OK!", he said, "It's only cosmetic, nobody's gonna look at it." 14. Once when his secretary was out sick, my Boss spent 15 minutes at the network printer trying to make copies. 15. Motivational quote from my Boss: "You realize if your morale doesn't improve, I can fire you and have a replacement in here doing your job by tomorrow?" 16. Overheard at lunch: "Well, seven of my Bosses approved it, but there's four more to go." 17. I recently heard my Boss ask his secretary if she could print out his voice mail. 18. Last winter I returned to work from a two day absence with the flu. My supervisor filled out the absence report with the following instruction: in the future, please get sick on weekends. 19. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say". 20. In a technology meeting with a new client, a very non-technical Sr. Manager was intent on proving his technical superiority to the client. In summarizing our technical capabilities he supplied the following information on the white board: "We use state of the art equipment such as PC's and eunuchs workstations". 21. I used to work as chief photographer for a weekly newspaper. One day the editor, my Boss, called me into his office to discuss an upcoming assignment on drug abuse in our area of coverage. My job would be to contribute a single photograph that would interface well with the story. I went ahead and created a photo-illustration in the studio. I took a closely cropped photograph of my subject who was snorting a white powder on a mirror through a rolled-up $20 bill. I was happy with the way the photo came out and thought it was a good depiction of cocaine abuse. After submitting the photo, I was again called into the editor's office. He told me he wasn't going to include my photograph because he "couldn't see what I was trying to show" and he "just didn't understand the photograph". I tried in vain to explain to him what was very obvious to me and my co-workers but the photo was cut for some generic computer art. A couple of weeks later my editor's son was arrested for drug possession. 22. I worked for a pizza place, behind the counter. My father had been sick for several months and on Nov. 8th he passed away. I called my Boss to let him know that I would not be in until after the funeral. He said "Don't bother coming back, I can't have employees who don't show up at their appointed times". 23. I work in the library of a major college. The Director instituted a computerized card catalog and checkout system which required each book, all 100,000 of them, to be barcoded. She wanted this done quickly and told everyone that we would be working a full day on Saturday. We all showed up and worked 9 hours. Later we found out that we were denied over time pay for that Saturday. When asked my Boss said "Oh, that was volunteer work. We now call her CONAN THE LIBRARIAN. 24. I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man. 25. The motto of our company newsletter is "We don't lie, the truth changes". 26. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" 27. My former Boss sent out the following email: "It is important that we consistantly maintain a professional image in internal communication. You technicians are deifinately not using your spell-checker." (Her spelling, not mine). 28. I recently wrote a macro to speed up the conversion of our electronic document files. After my accomplishment was reported to my Boss, he quipped, "Is that like some kind of pasta?" 29. I was cruising the want ads one Sunday when I came across an ad that could only be my job. First thing Monday morning, I went into my Boss's office, ad in hand, and asked him what this meant. His jaw dropped. He said "God, we didn't think you'd see that. Um, um, well, just go to your office and think about it for a while." After consulting with the Human Resource department for thirty minutes, my Boss came to my office and said, "You are welcome to stay until your replacement is found." 30. I received a frantic phone call one day from my baby-sitter. She was calling from a neighbor's house, where she had taken the children, to avoid the fire that raging fire in my house. I grabbed my purse and ran from the office, bumping into my Boss on the way out. I said "I'm leaving - my house is on fire!" He said, "Can you wait a minute, I need to go over these figures with you before you go." 31. After being harassed for months I put the following sign over my desk. "The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my butt today, please take a number and wait your turn! Thank You." 32. A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss' new Lexus. It reads "How's my managing ? Call 1-800-NO CLUE " 33. When our firm first got our Internet account, our firm administrator instructed our law librarian to "monitor the 'Net and update him weekly on any changes". 34. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." 35. After months of courting a high level manager at the Ford Motor Company, we finally got an appointment to see him. My Boss, trying to impress him, rented a Mercedes. 36. My Boss wanted to reduce the amount of time spent in meetings, so he split one weekly 3-hour meeting into two weekly 2-hour meetings! 37. In a performance evaluation cobbled together to justify my termination, my Boss pointed out that I was not independent enough and I tended to do too much on my own without getting her approval. 38. After firing me for "lack of skills", my Boss asked me to train some of my co-workers before I left. 39. I had a Boss who would disappear from his office for long periods of the day without telling me that he was leaving or when he planned to return. Unfortunately he received a lot of phone calls and drop-in visitors who would hold me responsible for his whereabouts. His wife used to call frequently looking for him. Although I explained that I didn't know where he was, she insisted that I page him and walk around the plants until I found him. I finally confronted my Boss. I told him the next time his wife called and demanded I locate him I was going to say, "Oh, you're the WIFE. Okay, I'll find him right away...!" - implying other women called him too often to keep track. From that point on, he told me when he was leaving, when he was coming back and he always answers my pages immediately! 40. Tech Support was summoned to my Boss' office to remove a CD and a fork from her A drive. When asked how this happened she replied "At first it wouldn't go in - But once I got it in, I couldn't get it out." 41. My computer illiterate Boss asked me to send an e-mail to set up an interview with a candidate to take my job-before he told me I was being replaced. 42. We were all evacuated from our offices by a fire alarm. My Boss didn't join the main group, but sought out "someone in charge." Learning it was a false alarm he told us we could return to our desks --- he did this by sending everyone an e-mail. 43. My Boss and I were in an automobile accident. My Boss was not wearing his seat belt and consequently he hit his head on the dashboard. When my mother came to get me, we offered my Boss a ride to his car. On his way home his head began to hurt so he went to the hospital emergency room. He approached the nurse and told her he had been in an automobile accident where he had hit his head. As a result, he said, his vision was blurred and he was sure he had a concussion. The nurse looked at him and said, "Sir, do you realize the lenses are missing from your glasses?" My Boss left the hospital, free of injury but not embarrassment. 44. My Boss said to me "I'm glad Thanksgiving was on a Thursday this year, that means we'll get a three-day weekend next year since it'll fall on a Friday." 45. My Boss heard there was an opening for a plant manager in our South American facility. To better prepare himself he decided to attend Spanish classes on the company's time and at their expense. The only problem? The plant is in Brazil where they speak Portugese! 46. I love to play jokes on my Boss because he is such an easy target. Last week I decreased the font size on his computer display, a little bit, every day. By Friday, he thought he was going blind. 47. My boss was very disappointed when we didn't win the Federal Express account. He said "I know the materials got their on time. I sent them UPS myself." 48. My Boss was looking for a job and asked me to proofread her resume. I found many mistakes, but I returned it to her unchanged. I said "I like it. It presents an accurate picture." 49. Comment from my Boss: "It seems you're just an over-achiever and that's simply not good for the team." 50. I needed two days off, but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said "Absolutely not. You are salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to work?" 51. My Boss said she didn't feel I had been working as hard as the rest of the group. To counter her misconception, I reminded her of the email I sent a few days before. It clearly showed I was ahead of schedule on all my projects. "I read your email," she said, "but everyone else working on those projects is overwhelmed and they need more help. You're the only one who has never complained, therefore, you must not be working as hard as the others." Again I countered. In fact, this time I pointed out that I had helped several of my co-workers. "That proves my point," my Boss said. "If you were really as busy as everyone else, you wouldn't have time to help others." 52. My boss came out of her office irate and proceeded to ream me out in front of everybody. She had a phone message in her hand from the day before and she wanted to know why she hadn't received the message yesterday. I looked at her and very calmly said " you were not in yesterday." "Oh" she muttered as she slumped back to her office. 53. A few years ago the President of our company concluded one of the quarterly all-employee meetings by asking, as he always did, if there were any questions. No one asked any questions. He then said, "I keep holding these meetings, and no one asks any questions. I would like someone to ask a question." One brave soul raised his hand and asked a question. The President then said, "Well, if you had been listening to what I just said, you would know the answer to your question. Any more questions?" 54. Our purchasing group was negotiating with a major paint supplier. Because of our volume of orders, we were in a strong position to negotiate. Finally, after two days of heated wrangling, we got the manufacturer to agree to a 35% discount. As we were about to sign the contract, the President, who had not been a party to the negotiations, walked in and tore it up. He said "I'm going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball. That's the way you make it in this world." At that, he turned to the manufacturer's representatives and said "We'll give you 10% under your quoted price, take it or leave it. There are other suppliers out there." The supplier quickly leaped at the change. Turning to us as he left, the President said "I hope you learned something from that." **************************************************** You know you have been working for the Government too long when: - You understand the reason for different colors of money. - The process becomes more important than the product. - Meeting minutes become very important to you. - You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. - You feel you contributed to the meeting by simply being there. - You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually you believe it is possible, just not yours. - You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled. - You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them. - You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money. - You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. - You believe that 40 hours charged to one code is lazy, but 40 hours charged to multiple codes is initiative. - You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. - You know the proper number of blank spaces that should follow a roman numeral index. - You believe if anyone in your chain of command accomplishes something, it was as a direct result of your guidance. Even though you have had no prior contact with the individual or any one else concerning the topic. - You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance, e.g., a meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires personal attention. - You often use the word SHALL while writing. - You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. - Knowing that a squeaky wheel gets either oiled (good) or replaced (bad), you remain silent. - You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. (change in: chain of command, job title, command or division renamed). ******************************************************************* Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. ******************************************************************************** Job Security Quiz Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world. 1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You... A) swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B) inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. 2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C) Barge into your boss's office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing-stock." 3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C) Go over to your boss's house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. 4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A) Listen politely, and then apologize. B) Blame someone else. C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union." 5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. 6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you. C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. 7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react? A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss's daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself. B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up. C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive. 8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You... A) clean the office while he supervises. B) tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C) clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. -- SCORING -- Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do. ********************************************************************************************** Memo Re: Letter of Recommendation you requested. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Sd/- Project Leader ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Memo. Re. Addition to the previous memo. That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him. Sd/- Project Leader ****************************************************** Dilbert says ... A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. ************************************************************************** RESPONSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." "I was working smarter - not harder." "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead." "I'm in the management training program." "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..." "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot." "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." *********************************************************************************** How Mil Specs Live Forever The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. *************************************************************************************** A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. ************************************************************************* It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation 5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use ************************************************* Various organizational philosophies explained in terms of two cows: Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk. Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. UMS: You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead. ******************************************************************************** Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, one ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with ice cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." ******************************************************************************** Management Assessment -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. **************************************************************************** A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow." *********************************************************************** A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ******************************************************************** Bad Kitty...Baaaaad!!    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.  On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then,I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.   In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.  The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.       As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."      "You know where the button is."  I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).  "Reset it yourself!"       "I am scared!"  She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"  . . . .Pause. . . . ."C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.  It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed.  And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.   So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.   I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.  It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.   No, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.  At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.   Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.  Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.  It was a dismal irony.  But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.  Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.  My wife told me I should be flattered.   At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"       ...  If they had only known. ********************************************************************************************* A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a boat race on the Missouri river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program." The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new boat, sold the oars, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. ************************************************************************************************************** To: ALL PERSONNEL From: ADMINISTRATION Subject: REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY AS A RESULT OF THE REDUCTION OF MONEY BUDGETED FOR DEPARTMENTAL AREAS, WE ARE FORCED TO CUT DOWN OUR NUMBER OF PERSONNEL. UNDER THE NEW PLAN, OLDER EMPLOYEES WILL BE ASKED TO GO ON EARLY RETIREMENT, THUS PERMITTING THE RETENTION OF YOUNGER PEOPLE WHO REPRESENT OUR FUTURE PLANS. THEREFORE, A PROGRAM TO PHASE OUT OLDER PERSONNEL BY THE END OF THE CURRENT FISCAL YEAR, VIA RETIREMENT, WILL BE PLACED INTO EFFECT IMMEDIATELY. THE PROGRAM WILL BE KNOWN AS RAPE (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL EARLY). EMPLOYEES WHO ARE RAPED WILL BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK FOR OTHER JOBS OUTSIDE OUR COMPANY. PROVIDED THEY ARE BEING RAPED, THEY CAN THEN REQUEST A REVIEW OF THEIR EMPLOYMENT RECORDS BEFORE ACTUAL RETIREMENT TAKES PLACE. THIS PHASE OF THE OPERATION IS CALLED SCREW (SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIRED EARLY WORKERS). ALL EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE BEEN RAPED OR SCREWED MAY FILE AN APPEAL WITH UPPER MANAGEMENT. THIS WILL BE CALLED SHAFT (STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION). UNDER THE TERMS OF THE NEW POLICY, EMPLOYEES MAY BE RAPED ONCE, SCREWED TWICE, BUT BE SHAFTED AS MANY TIMES AS THE COMPANY DEEMS APPROPRIATE. IF AN EMPLOYEE FOLLOWS THE ABOVE PROCEDURES, HE OR SHE WILL BE ENTITLED TO GET HERPES (HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL'S EARLY SEVERANCE). AS HERPES IS CONSIDERED A BENEFIT PLAN, ANY EMPLOYEE WHO HAS RECEIVED HERPES WILL NO LONGER BE RAPED OR SCREWED BY THE COMPANY. MANAGEMENT WISHES TO ASSURE THE YOUNGER EMPLOYEES WHO REMAIN ON BOARD THAT THE COMPANY WILL CONTINUE ITS POLICY TO ENSURE THAT EMPLOYEES ARE WELL TRAINED THROUGH OUR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT). THE COMPANY TAKES PRIDE IN THE AMOUNT OF SHIT OUR EMPLOYEES RECEIVE. WE HAVE GIVEN OUR EMPLOYEES MORE SHIT THAN ANY OTHER COMPANY IN THE AREA. IF ANY EMPLOYEE FEELS HE OR SHE DOES NOT RECEIVE ENOUGH SHIT ON THE JOB, SEE YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND. **************************************************************************** Prison Vs. a Full-time job - In Prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. - At work you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. - In prison you get three meals a day. - At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. - In prison you get time off for good behavior. - At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. - At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. - In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. - In prison you can watch TV and play games. - At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. - In prison you get your own toilet. - At work you have to share. - In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. - At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. - In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. - At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. - In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. - At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. - In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. - At work there are some programs you can never get out of. - In prison there are sadistic wardens. - At work, we have managers. *************************************************************************** The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style Question: How many feet do mice have? Original Reply: Mice have four feet. Management's Comment: Elaborate! Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage! Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs? Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages? Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue! Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No! Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet. ************************************************************** REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS: Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. ***************************************************************************** While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party. ************************************************************************ The Procrastinator's Creed ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. ******************************************************************************************* When reality gets too overbearing, here are some FANTASY RULES AND GUIDELINES FOR THE WORKPLACE: 1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. 4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 5. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 6. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 7. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. 8. Come to work in your pajamas. 9. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. 10. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 11. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." 12. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Schedule meetings for 4:57 pm. 13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 14. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. 15. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." 16. No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." 17. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 18. Grow mold in your coffee cup. 19. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. 20. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. 21. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. 22. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. 23. Go get coffee. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." 24. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 25. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. 26. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. When a problem arises, push one of the buttons and say "Beam me up Scotty!". 27. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. 28. Hang mistletoe over your desk. 29. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. 30. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". 31. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 32. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. 33. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in John's fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth. (Note: I have a fish tank with fish in it on my desk) 34. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas. 35. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 36. Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting. 37. Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say "Sqwish." 38. Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby "Muffin" McNeel. 39. Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get "Creative". ********************************************************************************************** House to Downsize Solar System WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer. "Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go." Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all." However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers." But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December). The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?" The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Goldin has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Goldin. Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved. *************************************************************************************************************************** Christmas Downsizing The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: •The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; •The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated; •The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; •The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; •The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order; •The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one; •The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement; •As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; •Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; •Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year; •Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line; We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. ********************************************************************************************** Some useful descriptions of people you may work with day to day: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselect