"I am morally, ethically and philosophically opposed to the plan endorsed by my Vice President, but that doesn't mean I won't support it." My Boss at his political best. "I didn't see the point in the meeting, so I canceled. Why should we discuss a new UPS system if they're on strike." Classic non-computer comment from my Boss. "I really love that spreadsheet. I did 10 what-ifs and I liked them all." Comment after seeing his pie-in-the-sky sales forecasts. "If the computer is such a great tool, why hasn't using it improved my ideas in any way." Question from my Boss with no appropriate answer. "If you were really a team player, you would NOT see this as unethical." Comment from my Boss after my refusal to support his shady plan. "I'm the youngest VP in the company's history because I work hard." Comment from the Chairman's daughter. "I'm very disappointed in your communication skills. Not once during the year did you ask me to review your shortcomings. Now I'm forced to rate you poorly in all those categories." Unexpected comments at my performance review. "Our efforts to expand overseas are hampered because they don't speak English." Comments during globalization meeting. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "Someone at my level shouldn't be doing that." Comment from Vice-President in a 4 person company about re-arranging furniture. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." "We fully support diversity. In fact, in 'Stage Two' of our diversity program, we expect to include minorities and women." Comments from our Personnel Director. "Yes, I'm really interested in upgrading my computer. Will it make my games run faster?" Comment from the Chairman. "Yes, I've read your proposal, but I can't support concepts before management's review." Typical political maneuvers by my Boss. "You should never play favorites in your department. However, when you get a difficult project which may be unsuccessful, make sure you give it to someone who is vulnerable and unpopular." Mentoring comments from my Boss. 1At my office we still have an executive washroom that requires a key. However, there's only one toilet in there. The executive mangers would rather wait in a line outside this bathroom than go down the hall to the one with plenty of room, towels and toilets. 1In a group review meeting, my Boss turned to one of his direct reports and said "I'm told a strong manager will admit to his mistakes. So tell us, how did YOU manage to lose so much money? 1In a meeting recently my Boss said "This is just a suggestion, but remember who's making it" 1Many years ago my Boss was a shining star. Now he's barely a flicker. 1My Boss had a degree in micro-management and an MBA in mismanagement. 1My Boss had a thought once, but it died of loneliness and despair. 1My Boss has advanced training in crisis managment. He can turn any situation into a crisis. 1My Boss has recently been through restructuring. She had liposuction, a belly tuck, lip enlargement and her nose done. 1My Boss hates market research. He thinks the facts might undermine his position. 1Without excuses, my Boss wouldn't have much to say. 2My Boss has mastered sign language. He's great at pointing the finger. A recent memo from management: "We have decided to allocate parking spaces to managers. Our current policy of 'open' parking seems to benefit ONLY those employees who come to work early." Addressing a large audience of employees, my Boss said "Our main problem is that the customer doesn't seem to understand our strategy". After a short taxi ride with a driver who had not yet mastered English, my Boss was furious. As he exited the cab he said "When in Rome, speak Roman!" After failing to fill his promises, my Boss said "You can't hold me accountable for everything I say." After implementing a new computer system my Boss refused to authorize training for anyone. He said "Why should I train them? Once they learn the system they usually leave." After knowingly providing false information to a group of employees my Boss said, "It was true at the time. The facts changed." After many years of work, I realize there's a fine line between leaning forward and bending over. After my Boss drops her kid off at day care she comes to work where we feed her coffee and cookies, let her sit in the high chair and tell her fairy tales about future sales results. After several strong sales months, my company decided to print 'employee appreciation t-shirts'. They went on sale the following Monday. Although it's not popular these days, my company still has a commitment to Affirmative Action. My Boss strongly disagrees with this policy. During a recent meeting he referred to the minority vendors as "The Men In Black." As a group, we complained about the dreary surroundings of our offices. In response my boss established a meager 'renovation' fund. He then authorized the purchase of several pictures and plants for his office which completely consumed the budget. As hard as it is to believe, my Boss has a will of his own. His attorney wrote it. Comment from my Boss "I would write a strategic plan, but it's never helped me in the past." Comments from employee evaluations: Comments on the first day from my new Boss "Over the years I've trained 3 people who eventually became my Boss. I guarantee that's not going to happen to you." Definition of Business Risk - An opinion not shared by your Boss. Doctors bury their mistakes. My company promotes them to Vice-President. During his tenure at our company, my Boss has been through many trials - but few convictions. During my performance review my Boss said "Your problem is how hard you work. If you want to get ahead, you have to work like you're making twice your salary." For my Boss, ignorance is his excuse. For the first time, I was able to mix business and pleasure. I quit. Frantic call from the Boss: "I think my new computer is missing a few items. I keep reading about a 'clipboard and scrapbook' and I can't find them in any of these boxes." I asked my Boss for a transfer to another department. He said "Where would you like to work next?" I said "In a department with raises!" I finally understand the 80/20 Rule - 80% of the workers earn the raises paid to the top 20% of managers. I frequently trade ideas with my Boss. He keeps the good ones. I interviewed with a company and then didn't hear back for over a month. I had written them off, and was surprised to get a phone call from my Boss-to-be, asking if I was still interested in the position. When I said, "yes," he said, "good, because our first two choices got better offers." I recently took a road trip with my Boss. When we got to the hotel, he said as part of his austerity program we should share the same room. I asked if his wife knew about this program. He was then able to budget a second room. I told my Boss I wanted to start an anti-virus program. He said "That's stupid. There's no cure for the common cold." I try not to meet too frequently with my Boss. I'm afraid of second hand stupidity. I work for a pharmaceutical company. Our future is full of bad chemistry. If ever we need to simulate a problem, we invite my Boss to the meeting. If my Boss was a energy plant, he'd be a 'power failure'. In a recent meeting with my boss, I complained about the lack of skill in my co- workers. My Boss said "Look, even in the worst situations, you can learn something. After some thought I said "You're right. I now know how NOT to run a department." In my company, any person can have an idea, but it takes a Boss to get credit. In their absence, management left my Boss in charge. They wanted to see the 'worst case scenario.' Last week I was fired by my dad and he owns the company. Last week my Boss discovered the motivational quote "Only in the dictionary does SUCCESS come before WORK". He ordered a large banner for our work area with an "improved" version of the quote. The banner reads: "Only in the dictionary does SUCCESS come before HARD WORK". Like doctors, Bosses should be licensed. Then we could sue for malpractice. Management posted a flyer, on the employee bulletin board, supporting a $00/hr minimum wage. They claimed that even an employee earning $00/hr, benefits from the experience of work and the learning process. Frankly, I earn a salary and I don't see the benefit. My Boss became a consultant so that he could help other companies lose money. My Boss' business philosophy is "You can fool enough of the people some of the time." My Boss called technical support because he couldn't send an email. The technician said the email server was down and wouldn't be fixed for hours. In a very loud and rude voice my Boss said "Next time idiot, send out a group message so we all know the problem." My Boss canceled the weekly status meetings on a project long overdue. She said "Every week its the same thing. Let's wait until something happens, before we meet again." My Boss' comments concerning a late project "I'm not too concerned with the accuracy of the data, just as long as there is data." My Boss decided to put his memoirs in a book. Its called 'My Defecations'. My Boss decided to take the department in a new direction. Down. My Boss doesn't mind work. Its thinking that scares him. My Boss finally gave me some responsibility! If something goes wrong, its my responsibility! My Boss gave his secretary a raise when she was late. Two months late! My Boss has a mind of his own and the agenda of others. My Boss has learned to be cautious. Failure taught him that. My Boss is a brilliant magician. He can take a million dollar investment and make it disappear - completely. My Boss is always at war. Currently he's fighting the Battle of the Bulge. My Boss is in court for sexual harassment. He said it was a 'pat on the back.' My Boss is the result of an brain experiment gone terribly wrong. Someone tried to implant management training, morals and business ethics in a brain only big enough for confusion. My Boss is very responsible. When something goes wrong, he's usually responsible. My Boss isn't a total failure. His Boss helped too. My Boss likes to travel. That way he can make mistakes all across the country. My Boss never acts stupid. It's always the real thing. My Boss recently completed 'Excel for Dummies". Now, the rest of us are reading "The Dummy Unleashed." My Boss recently joined my car pool. I now know, I can lead my Boss to work, but I can't make him think. My Boss reminds me of a blister. He never shows up until the work is done. My Boss returned from his evaluation looking very sad. He said "I can't figure out why my Boss hates me. I haven't done anything." My boss said he knows what I'm thinking because he has ESPN! My Boss scheduled a meeting to discuss punctuality. He was late. My Boss sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. My Boss suffers form 'delusions of adequacy'. My Boss thinks a hard drive involves a car and a winding road. My Boss thought he was a possible target of the Unabomber. One day, a package arrived with his name and address, but no return address. He quickly called his secretary and said, "Please come up and open this package, it may be a bomb!" My Boss thought he was getting a corner office. He heard that Windows was in his future. My boss told me during my performance appraisal last year that I seemed to have trouble managing my time. Her next sentence? "I realize I give you more work because I count on you to get things done." My Boss uses her "favors" to advance her career. Shortly after our company was bought by new investors, we posted a sign outside her door. It read: "Under New Management." My Boss voted against creating a Customer Support Department. He said it would encourage customers to complain more often. My Boss was a politician. He joined private industry to avoid public scrutiny. My Boss was getting married and he asked the President of the company to be his Best Man and the four Vice Presidents to be his ushers. Four months after the wedding the company was purchased by a conglomerate and the President and Vice Presidents were fired and replaced. Three months later my Boss filed for a divorce. My Boss won't authorize a web site. He's afraid people might download information from our computers. My Boss, a senior vice president, admitted that he didn't want to order new furniture for his spacious corner office. "Frankly" he said "I prefer my metal desk. It makes me feel like one of the people." My company is losing money and our products are not selling well. I wonder if Bill Gates will bail us out too. My company recently replaced the coffee machines with much smaller ones. Two days later we knew why. Normally we don't except sloppy work, but we make an exception for my Boss. Now, I believe in the theory of evolution. I work for the Cro-Magnon Manager. On the heals of last week's landmark budget agreement in Washington , our Chairman called an emergency staff meeting. He said "Thanks to Congress our employees will receive tax breaks that will improve their take home pay and their spending power. I see no need to offer raises this year in light of these changes. Thank you." Opportunity knocked - and it left my Boss dazed and confused. Our boss has had his executives on a salary freeze for over three years. To demonstrate his sacrifice, he laid off his videographer and the author hired to write his biography. Our Boss unveiled his 5 year plan for the company. The meeting was dubbed a "Tragedy Session". Our company tried rightsizing and downsizing, now we are capsizing. rapture (rap€cher) n. - the feeling of joy following the termination of your Boss for his misdeeds. Rather than use the phone, my Boss prefers face-to face meetings. That way he can brown nose in person. The Chairman called all 300 employees into the auditorium for a company wide meeting. Usually these meeting are only called for grave issues. As his opening remarks, the Chairman said "I call you here today for a good reason. As you know the company is losing money and we cannot secure additional financing. For the first time, we have decided to let employees buy stock in our company. It should help to keep our family together. Is anyone interested?" To celebrate my 10th anniversary with the company, they let me choose my outplacement counselor. What a treat! We complained to our Boss that our jobs were boring because they lacked variety. He said "Look, we work morning, noon and night. That should be enough variety." We have a mandatory, random, drug testing policy. Every year, suspiciously, after my Boss' two week vacation, drug testing is waived for 30 days. We organized our first company picnic to improve company morale. At the picnic, there was a managers' table with steak and lobster. The employees' table had hot dogs and beans. Company enthusiasm was not served. We recently changed our company name and logo to project a new image on our tired products, outdated strategy and lame managers. It will probably fool the Bosses in the other companies. When asked which session of a sexual harassment seminar he wanted to attend, my Boss said "The one with no whining, fat chicks."