Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 
****************************** 
In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels." 
************************** 
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : 
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" 
************************** 

At a Proctologist's door: 
"To expedite your visit please back in." 
************************** 

On a Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
************************** 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 
"Invite us to your next blowout." 
************************** 

At a Towing company: 
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 
************************** 

On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 
************************** 

On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push." 
************************** 

At an Optometrist's Office 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 
************************** 

On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff." 
************************** 

On a Fence: 
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." 
************************** 

At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." 
************************** 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 
************************** 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 
************************** 

At the Electric Company: 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don't, you will be." 
************************** 

In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." 
************************** 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait." 

************************** 
At a Propane Filling Station, 
"Thank heaven for little grills." 
************************** 

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak." 
 
********************
 Subject: Aphorisms
  
 1. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing
to go on.
 2. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.
 3. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
 4. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
 5. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive
organs.
 6. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in
touch.
 7. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
 8. The statement below is true.
 9. The statement above is false.
 10. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside  down.
 11. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your
software.
 12. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 13. I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners  permit.
 14. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
 15. Time is fun when you're having flies ... Kermit
 16. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad
for you.
 17. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously  haven't met  everybody.
 18. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat
though.
 19. Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
 20. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 22. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your
career.
 23. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
 24. Gun Control: Use both hands.
 25. Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
 26. To err is human. To forgive is against company
policy.
 27. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
 28. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
 29. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
 30. Half the people in the world are below average.
 31. Strip mining prevents forest fires.
 32. I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't  prove it.
 33. Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't
Laugh
 34. A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a  thousand  times more  memory!
 35. If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done
already?
 36. If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made
of meat?
 37. Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
************
 On a Plumber's window:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."
   
    On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
   
    Pizza shop slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
   
    At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."
   
    Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
    "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
   
    Sign at the Psychic Hotline:
    "Don't call us, we'll call you."
   
    At a Towing Company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
   
    Billboard on the side of the road:
    "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
   
    On an Electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."
   
    In a Nonsmoking Area:
    "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
  appropriate
    action."
   
    On Maternity Room Door:
    "Push, Push, Push."
   
    At an Optometrist's Office:
    "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right
  place."
   
    On a Taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."
   
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."
   
    On a Butcher's window:
    "Let me meat your needs."
   
    On a fence:
    "Salesmen welcome, Dog food is expensive."
   
    At a car Dealership :
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
   
    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
   
    Outside a Hotel:
    "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
   
    On a desk in a reception room:
    "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
   
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
   
    On the door of a Computer Store:
    "Out for a quick byte."
   
    In a Restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
   
    Inside a Bowling Alley:
    "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
   
    In the front yard of a funeral home:
    "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
   
    In a counselors office:
    "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."
 ****************

A day without sunshine is like, night.
 
  On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
  When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
 
  Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 
  Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 
  Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 
  He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 
  The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
  I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
 
  Mind Like a Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 States.
 
  Quantum Mechanics:  The dreams stuff is made of.
 
  Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
 
  The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 
  When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the
  wrong way.
 
  Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
 
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
  He who hesitates is probably right.
 
  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
  Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
 
  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 
  The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of
  the bread.
 
  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
  reach it.
 
  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
  research.
 
  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
  principles.
 
  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
  before.
 
  A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
  Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 
  Always try to be modest.  And be proud of it!
 
  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
 
  How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hands...
 
  Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
 
  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
  Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
 
  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
  Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 
  Half the people you know are below average.
 
  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

********************
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at
the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
*******************
36 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
A few clowns short of a circus.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart
than most.

********************************************

Confucius Say.......
   
      1.  "PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER'S WEB - SOON LEAD TO
           UNDOING OF FLY"
    
      2.  "BASEBALL IS WRONG, MAN WITH FOUR BALLS CANNOT
      WALK."
    
      3.   "WOMAN WHO WEARS G-STRING, HIGH ON CRACK."
    
      4.  "WIFE WHO PUT HUSBAND IN DOGHOUSE SOON FIND HIM
      IN CAT HOUSE."
    
      5.  "MAN WHO FIGHT WITH WIFE ALL DAY, GET NO PIECE AT
      NIGHT."
    
      6.  "IT TAKES MANY NAILS TO BUILD A CRIB, BUT ONE SCREW
      TO FILL IT."
    
      7.   "MAN WHO BOUNCE WOMAN ON BED SPRING THIS
      SPRING HAVE OFFSPRING NEXT SPRING."
    
      8.  "A MAN WITH HIS HANDS IN POCKETS FEELS FOOLISH,
      BUT A MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS NUTS."


*********************************************************************************************************
  * Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
  * God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  * I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
  * I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
  * Keep honking while I reload.
  * Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  * Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  * Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
   * 5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an
    amusement park.
  * EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
  * If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
  * If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  * Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
  * Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  * Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
  * Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
  * My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like
  that.
  * Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
  * Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
  * If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  * Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!
  **************************************************** 
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
All generalizations are false.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. 
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. 
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. 
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Bob Dole IS '96
Body by Ben & Jerry
Born free...Taxed to death.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically. 
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. 
Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities. 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. 
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. 
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. 
Dain bramaged. 
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Dear Dorothy, Hate you, hate Oz, took the shoes, find your own home. Toto.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. 
Department of Redundancy Department 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Did it ever occur to you health nuts that the extra years you're adding on are spent running and exercising?
Die Yuppie Scum. 
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy the art of letting someone have your way. 
Do witches run spell checkers? 
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. 
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. 
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. 
Don't steal. The government hates competition. 
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. 
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Eschew obfuscation. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
Every morning is the dawn of a new error... 
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Exxon Suxx. 
Few women admit their age, Few men act it! 
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. 
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. 
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Friends don't let friends drive naked. 
Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Democratic 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give pizza chants.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. 
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! 
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. 
HELP! The paranoids are after me.
Honk if you love cheeses. 
Horn broken, watch for finger.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila
I brake for no apparent reason.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... 
I Cayman went. 
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. 
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I intend to live forever so far, so good
I is a college student. 
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in
I love cats they taste just like chicken
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. 
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of YOU, dammit!
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. 
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screamingand yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car .
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. 
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it has tires or testicles, it's going to be trouble
If it's too loud, you're too old. 
If money could talk, it would say goodbye. 
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If space and time are curved, where do all the straight people come from?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. 
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If, a two letter word for futility
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is there life before coffee? 
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. 
It's not who you sleep with--it's who keeps you awake
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. 
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes use birth control.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
Life's too short to dance with ugly men. 
Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
Mean people rule!
Mean people suck . . . Nice people swallow 
Mental backup in progress Do Not Disturb!
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. 
Mind Like A Steel Trap Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
MONTANA -At least our cows are sane!
My computer goes down on anybody
My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you oughta see her box! 
My karma ran over your dogma. 
My kid beat up your honor student
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My other wife is beautiful. 
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. 
Never play leap frog with a unicorn. 
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
No radio. Already stolen. 
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service ( Bras and Panties optional)
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. 
Nuke the unborn baby whales. 
Oh sure, but what's the speed of dark?
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out of my mind.Back in five minutes.
P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
Piercing, schmiercing--I'm holding out for amputation
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Rehab is for quitters.
Rock is dead--long live paper and scissors
Save California; when you leave take someone with you. 
Save the ugly animals too
Seen on a woman's car: Men call us birds; we pick up worms.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. 
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
So many pedestrians, so little time. 
So many stupid people, Not enough comets.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have
Tell me to 'stuff it' I'm a taxidermist.
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
The best things in life aren't things
The fastest way to a man's heart is by tearing a hole through his ribcage
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good old days: When sex was dirty & Michael Jackson was black
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. 
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. 
There's one in every crowd and they always find me. 
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
This is not an abandoned vehicle. 
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it also kills all of it's students.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Tow-ers will be violated
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Vote Democatic; It's Easier Than Thinking
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. 
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Welcome to Texas, now go home. 
We're staying together for the sake of the cats. 
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. 
Who cares who's on board? 
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word? 
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Will Rogers never met a lawyer. 
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.