Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do? Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving! ******************* Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed." ******************* A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits: "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Eventually" said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!" ****************** Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford: Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurancenumber and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. The doctor asked, Where? Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them? **************** What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right away." What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?" What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." -- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going to throw up. "This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? "This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. "Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." -- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week. ***************** -----DOCTORS' STORIES: A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I notice that there are several cabs, and I am in the wrong one. *************************************************************** At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," lamented the patient. *************************************************************** One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." *************************************************************** I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!" *************************************************************** While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive." *************************************************************** And of course, the best is saved for last. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly ********* Thought you might like to know this piece of information: In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on........ The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin ************* A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and began to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he glanced at the thermometer and said "Great, just great.....some asshole's got my pen" ********************************** Breast Watch Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years." Dr. Bouncer says she would advise U.S. males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible. The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore. *************************** Subject: Fw: How good is your Health Plan? Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.  If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex  "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." ************************ A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was to be taken for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ********************* A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home to a nice hot bathtub and soak for a while. Then, I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then, I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and force myself to have sex. Almost always, the headache disappears... Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house." ********************************************************************* The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. "Oh," he mused, "It was 1945." "Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked. "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13." **************************************************************************************** A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously putting it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job, by the way. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then, I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler." ************************************************************************************** 25 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY 1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness... 3. Bo! Bo!! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. 6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again... 9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em. 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! 15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? 17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! 18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature! 19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! 23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 24. Page 147 of the manual is missing! 25. I want all you interns to gather round while I try something new ***************************************************************************** Subject: Gas An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has "silent gas emissions". He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was there talking to the doctor he had another four. "Can you help me, Doc?", he pleads. The doctor replies, "Yes, and the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Jogging The news isn't good when a guy visits the doctor for his annual checkup. "You've got to do something to improve your health," the doctor says. "What?" the patient asks. "I recommend walking or jogging." "But, doc," says the worried guy, "I already jog a few miles every morning." "In that case," replies the doctor, "you'd better give it up." *************************************************************************************************** Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains! Pull yourself together man! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell. Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring. Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Who said that?? Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint? Who wants to know? Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me! Next! Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!!! And how long have you had this complaint? What complaint? Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem? *************************************************************************************** A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful." ******************************************************************* Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. He says, "Whoa! What's going on?" She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?", so he agrees and allows the nurse to complete her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO!" *************************************************************** Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. ************************************************************** YOU KNOW YOU'RE STRESSED IF... Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin chasing you. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps. You call the Time & Weather because that lady "really understands you." You take the "Don't Walk" sign personally. Your pager is set to stun. *********************************************************************** Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." | | | | | | \/ But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - | | | | | | | | | | | | | \/ "Howard. You're a veterinarian." *********************************************************** A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!" Surprised, the guy says "Yes... how did you figure that out?" The girl says: "Easy. You keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another... They make love... After they're done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy is very surprised and flattered, he says: "Well, yes, I am a great dentist, but how did you figure that out?" The girl says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!" ********************************************