A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?" ************ A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps with pictures of lawyers on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met. **************** What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys! How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. What is the difference between a lawyer and a Dalmatian? A Dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect. What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? They're all slime. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side. What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? He would starve to death. Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? Even hyenas have some dignity. What do you call an honest lawyer? An impossibility. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? At least he wasn't a lawyer. What is the difference between pigs and lawyers. You can learn to respect a pig. What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities. What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism? What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on. Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. ***************** There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is because he can't see. The blind snake takes a hold of the rabbit and says "Well, you have long ears, covered with fur, and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls, you must be an lawyer." ********** An old miser called his doctor, lawyer and minister to his deathbed. "They say you can't take it with you," said the miser, "but I'm going to try. I've got three envelopes with $30,000 in cash in each one. I want you to take an envelope, and just when they lower my casket, you throw in your envelope." At the funeral each man tossed in his envelope. But on the way home, the minister confessed, "I needed money for the church, so I took $10,000 and only threw $20,000 into the grave." The doctor said, "I, too, took some money. I kept $20,000 for my clinic, and threw in $10,000." The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you. I threw in a check for the full amount." ************************** The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!" ********************************************* The Pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and says "Glad to see you; we've got your place all ready." Peter then takes the Pope down the street and shows him his new home: a small but comfortable cottage of 5 rooms. Peter advises the Pope to settle in, and then wander around meeting the other residents. The Pope meets many old friends and makes several new ones over the next few days. One of these is a former lawyer who invites the Pope over for lunch. On arriving, the Pope is astounded to see a 45 room mansion, with built-in sauna and weight-room, a beautiful library, and spacious, airy rooms. After lunch, the Pope spies St. Peter on the street and says "Not to complain, but I'm curious as to why I have a small cottage while the lawyer I just met has a stupendous mansion." St. Peter replied, "Well, you see, we have many Popes up here, but only one lawyer." ******************************************* A BILL REGULATING THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 370.01 Any person with a valid in state Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes. 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited. 370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash. 370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon. 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels. 370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same. 370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2 ; Two-faced tort feasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act) ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site. *************************************************************** Milestones as the temperature drops Degrees Fahrenheit: 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts 40 You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansawans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start -25 Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start -40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move South Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets ******************************************************************************** A doctor and a lawyer are stranded on a desert island. One day they see a raft with a beautiful, nude woman on it. The doctor says, "Boy, I hope that raft drifts into shore!" And, the lawyer asks why. The doctor replies,............ "Because as soon as she gets here, I'm going to screw her." The lawyer looks at him, with a puzzled face, and says..... "Out of what??? ********************************************************************************* A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" ********************************************************************** The following are actual statements made during court cases: Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too. Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand... Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? ******************************************************************************* Favorite Law Firms: Low, Ball, & Lynch Sue, Grabbit & Runne Hamlet had lawyers: the firm of Rosen, Krantz, Guild, and Stern. Hitchcock & Scratch Dewey, Cheatum and Howe Markum, Forcum & Takeim The Bronze Rat... *********************************************************************************** A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the exhausted tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." ******************************************************************** "Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself? 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I showed you exhibit 3 and asked you if you recognized that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8th. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16) You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 PM. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid ________, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!” Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: ****************************************************************************************** Lawyers Ethical Dilemma: CASE STUDY: A widow comes to your office for advice, paying you with a brand new one hundred dollar bill. After the consultation you take the bill and, when placing it in you wallet, discover a second one hundred dollar bill stuck to the back of the first. ETHICAL QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION: Should you tell your partner. ********************************************************************************* A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. Then he remembered he had a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and, not seeing anything, turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I just missed that lawyer." "That's OK," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." ***************************************************************************************************** What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it? ) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" ************************************************************************************************** Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up, "Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day at the pearly gates, St.Peter met Chief Justice Rehnquist, who was applying for admission. St. Peter looked at his ledger, and then looked back at the Chief Justice and said, "Uh, there's a little problem. It says here that you were Chief Justice of the United States, yet you had very little regard for the Constitution." The Chief Justice looked positively shocked and hurt, and protested, "Oh, no, St.Peter, I've never had any problem with the Constitution--just the amendments!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Question: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it? Answer: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ She: You just don't care anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car in an intersection. Smith sued the driver of the car, and the driver's attorney was cross-examining him, trying to impeach his testimony: Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you have told us about all these grievous injuries you suffered in this alleged accident. Isn't it true, though, that you told the investigating officer at the scene of the incident that you were not injured at all?" Smith: "Please let me explain. When the officer arrived on the scene, the first thing he did was walk up to my horse. He said 'Looks like this one has a broken leg,' and then he took out his service revolver and shot the horse. Then he came up to me and asked me how I was doing. Of course I immediately yelled, 'I'm fine!'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. ""Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 . Several periods of time later (it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic) the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $200 due for a consultation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Question: What's the difference between baseball and law? Answer: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Heavenly Marriage There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the Lord the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" ************************************************************************ Q. How can you tell when it's really getting cold outside? A. Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. ********************************************************************************* A lawyer was driving along one day in his BMW convertible when suddenly the devil himself appeared in the passenger seat. Old Satan said to the lawyer, "I can make you the best attorney in the world as well as the richest. You will never lose a case. When you are ready, I'll make sure you are appointed to be a Supreme Court Justice. All I ask you of you, in return, is for the souls of your wife, mother and all of your children where they will burn in Hell throughout all of eternity. The lawyer looked Satan in the eye and said, "So, what's the catch???" *********************************************************************** This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication "The Point of View": In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? CORONER: Well, let me put is this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. ******************************************************************************************** One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgment be not granted." The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honor: My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property, also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that judgment be granted." She got the judgment. ******************************************************************************************* "The Point of View" In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? CORONER: No. ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. ************************************************************