Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons -- both Admirals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, Sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: The jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americains alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in'44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to. *************************************** 1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. " * Paul Rodriguez 2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. 3. "Aim towards the Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. I love this one. 5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. 6. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. 8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. 9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. 10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. 11. Tracers work both ways. 12. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. 15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. 16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 17. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once. 18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. 20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. **************************** During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. . "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is." ************************** On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon." *************************** Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! **************************** Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. ****************************** Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks. " The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them. *************************** "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave" "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again" ******************** Early Retirement ... The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet, he walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet, he walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam." ****************** Q. Who cut the American flag into pieces and was honored for doing it? A. Robert Peary, who left pieces of the flag scattered at the North Pole. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Is it ever appropriate to fly the flag upside down? A. Yes, but only in an emergency. It means "Help Me, I am in Trouble!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is done with worn or outdated flags? A. Flags are used until they are worn out and then they are destroyed, preferably by burning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Francis Scott Key wrote the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" on the back on an envelope. What is the source of the music for it? A. The music is from an old English drinking song called "To Anacreon in Heaven." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. The American flag first flew over a foreign fort in what country? A. Libya -- over Fort Derne, on the shores of Tripoli. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. A vexillologist is an expert in what? A. The history of flags. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. "Shipwreck" Kelly (1885-1952) was famous for sitting for long periods of time. What did he have to do with flags? A. He set many flagpole-sitting records. He sat for 49 days on one flagpole. He once estimated that he spent a total of over 20,000 hours sitting on flagpoles. Flagpole sitting was a craze started in Baltimore, Maryland, in 1929. ********************************* UPCOMING MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon - $25 million dollars Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter - $45 million dollars. Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million dollars. Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion dollars. A decent map of downtown Belgrade ... -- Priceless. There are some things that money can't buy... unfortunately good intelligence isn't one of them. For the rest, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19 member NATO alliance and those who believe that sometimes you just need to blow up something in order to restore peace. *********************** U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers: If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis. If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force. If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified. If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army. **************************************** A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first." *********************************************************************************** MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home-page by a worker with a sense of humor The company took exception to it however... AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name Initial Last Name Password Code Name Etc. Latitude Longitude Altitude 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year: 4. Serial Number: 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis **************************************************************************************