A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now: A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line! F is for fissures and water retention G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is lost hearing--now what did you say? M is memory lapses occurring all day. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few; Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux--one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round? X is for x-ray and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed. ********************* THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO RETIREES IN FL.(Or any other place). TRAILER ESTATES A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? "He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No' " He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."< BR* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.", Morris replied. To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur be careful!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A little old m an shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis!" ************************ There’s that “You’re only as old as you feel” business, which is fine to a point, but you can’t be Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollipop forever. Sooner or later, dammit, you’re old. —ACTRESS JOAN CRAWFORD ********************** Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But... Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answers: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. ************ A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, and hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet . I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will 3 times!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a new-born baby:?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to some-one you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one." replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman ---already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know", he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." *********** Top 10 signs you're too old to trick or treat..... Top 10 signs you're too old to trick or treat 10...You get winded from knocking on the door 9...You have another kid chew the candy for you 8...You ask for high fiber candy only 7...when someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over 6...people say "great Boris Karloff mask" and you're not wearing a mask 5. When the door opens, you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the block with a walker And the number one sign is 1...You keep having to go home to pee..... *************** SEX AFTER 60 As my wife, and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day, so we could travel together. After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medial concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you know why?" "Oh, that old shit!" she replied. "That's because, the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December." ************ A senior citizen was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember, we walked in the park every Sunday afternoon and the times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" "Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade and the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!" Then, he looked down at his crotch... "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92." ***************************** DR SEUSS ON AGING I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw Oh, my God, what can I do? My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell My mood is bad -- can you tell? My body's drooping Have trouble pooping The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass! **************** "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5'-6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. ================================================ LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. ================================================ SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. ================================================ WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. ================================================ BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. ================================================ MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. ================================================ MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. ************* A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?" No," croaks the old man. . . "but it's startin' to twitch." ************* The perks of being over 50 1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 4) No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7) Things you buy now won't wear out. 8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. 9) You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15) You sing along with the elevator music. 16) Your eyes won't get much worse. 17) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 21) You can't remember who sent you this! **************** Two elderly people were living in a Florida mobile homepark. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. The next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." ************************** Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ********** **************** Subject: Things Looked Better In Black & White BLACK AND WHITE TV You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good night David, Good night Chet" Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in black and white I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman, Lois Lane Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too Donna Reed on Thursday night Life looked better in black and white I wanna go back to black and white Everything always turned out right Simple people, simple lives Good guys always won the fights Now nothin's the way it seems In living color or on the screen I wanna go back to black and white.. In God they trusted, in bed they slept A promise made was a promise kept They never cussed or broke their vows They'd never make the network now But if I could I'd rather be In a TV town in '63 It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in black and white.. I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white. ********************* HOWARD AND ANNABEL IN SENIOR CITIZEN HOME Howard is 95 and lives in senior citizen home. Every night after dinner Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before the know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "do you know what I miss most of all?" Annabel asks "what?" and he replies "sex!!" Annabel exclaims, "why you old fart, you probably couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while". "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was okay. She walked around the home where she found him sitting in a secluded corner by the pool with another female who was holding Howard's manhood!! Furious, Annabel shouted, "you two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!" Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's ". **************** LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 16, success is... having a driver's license. At age 20, success is... having sex. At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having sex. At age 70, success is... having a driver's license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants. **************** An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of that?" The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, "A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of a gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible" says the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver"... The doctor says.. "Exactly" ************** When I was very little All the Grandmas that I knew All walked around this world In ugly grandma shoes. You know the ones I speak of, those clunky black heeled kind, They just looked so very awful That it weighed upon my mind, For I knew, when I grew old. I'd have to wear those shoes, I'd think of that, from time to time It seemed like such bad news. I never was a rebel, wore saddle shoes to school, And next came ballerinas Then the sandals, pretty cool. And then came spikes with pointed toes Then platforms, very tall, As each new fashion came along, I wore them, one and all. But always, in the distance, Looming in my future, there, Was that awful pair of ugly shoes, The kind that Grandmas wear. I eventually got married And then became a Mom Our kids grew up and left, And then their children came along, I knew I was a Grandma And the time was drawing near When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes Was what I'd have to wear. How would I do my gardening Or take my morning hike? I couldn't even think about How I would ride my bike! But fashions kept evolving And one day I realized That the shape of things to come Was changing, right before my eyes. And now, when I go shopping What I see, fills me with glee For, in my jeans and Reeboks I'm as comfy as can be. And I look at all these teenage girls And there, upon their feet Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes, And they really think they're neat. *************** Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained: "Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light. "Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. "Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. "Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow ... "Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!" ******************** Mid-life (for women) is.... Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? ************* ELDERLY LOVERS Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well. "OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going for forty minutes. How do you manage It? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric." ********** An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her little purse, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but I saw you cross the center line back there. Can I see your registration, please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and he has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, OH, NO, NOT THE BREATHALYZER AGAIN!!! ********************** A blonde, 92 year-old man (they do exist) went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said "You got a heart murmur. Be Careful" ************** You know your getting old when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ...an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! ******** Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst when a flasher comes by. The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But, the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far. ************* A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive." **************** At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They join in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep, when there is yet another knock at the door. There is Morris again, fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one..... you're a great lover Morris " . Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?" ***************** I thought this was hysterical - oh for the good old days. Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair. Then: Keg Now: EKG. Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux. Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's hot. Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids. Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Then: Seeds and stems. Now: Roughage. Then: Popping pills, smoking joints. Now: Popping joints. Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. Then: Paar. Now: AARP. Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine. Then: Killer weed. Now: Weed killer. Then: Hoping for a BMW. Now: Hoping for a BM. Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian. Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint. ************************** A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, we have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom and she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too. **************** Wisdom From Senior Citizens 1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though. 12. It was so different before everything changed. 13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few. 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 21. Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun. 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom. 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. 24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that). 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. 27. If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt. 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead. 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. *********************** A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth. ***************** Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine Then: Hoping for a BMW Now: Hoping for a BM Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President Then: "Going blind" Now: REALLY going blind Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral Then: President Johnson Now: The President's johnson Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President Now: Fighting to keep the lying President Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund Then: Elvis in the army Now: Elvis in a UFO Then: Keg Now: EKG Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever?. Now: Depends Then: "Off the pigs" Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol" ************************* Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.  On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.  A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.  The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"   Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"  She says: "You must be new here; let me explain.  It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."   Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities.  He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.  The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart,it implies you called for me."  The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.  He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"  Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."  Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.." Bob replies:  "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.  No thanks." *********************************** The Wheelchair Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear is several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her eccentric behavior, and some of them even join in the fun..... One day Ethel is speeding along one of the corridors when a man steps out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he says firmly, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she hands to him with a big smile. "OK," he says, and off she goes again. Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she finds another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and comes up with a well-used beer mat, which she presents for inspection, whereupon she is sent on her way once more.. Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man steps out in front of her. He is stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand.. "Oh no," cries Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!" ************************* Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." ************************ GRANDMA BOUGHT A BUMPER STICKER FOR HER OLD BUICK She writes: "The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a 'Honk If You Really Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection...lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "JESUS CHRIST!!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "go...Jesus Christ...go." Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a SUNNYBEACH, and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the folks were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya'all, Grandma ************************** An elderly man asked a doctor for one half of a Viagra tablet. The doctor asked why he only wanted a half.The old man replied that it wasn't for sex since he was too old but that he was tired of pissing on his shoes. ************ An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have seperate suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they are laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, " I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says - "was I already here?" ******************* A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try?" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing sweetheart?" he asked. "Well" she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up maybe you could just drop it in!" *************** An eighty year old man visits the doctor. He tells the doctor he is about to be married to a 25 year old and wants to start a family. The old man asks for something to make him virile. The doctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to make a suggestion. "I think you you should take in a young boarder." Several months go by and the old man visits the doctor again. "How are you?" says the doctor. "I'm fine!" says the patient. "And how is your wife?" says the doctor. "She's pregnant!" says the old man. "Did you take in a young boarder like I suggested?" says the doctor. "Yes I did!" says the patient. "And how is the boarder?" says the doctor. "Oh!" says the patient, "She's pregnant too!" ************************************************************************* An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. *********************************************************************************** Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady who was smoking reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke. Her friend watched as she did this, then said, "Hey, that's a great idea, but what did you put over your cigarette, anyway? The first old lady replied, "Oh this, it's a condom." "A condom, where did you get it?" The lady with the cigarette explained, "You can purchase these at any pharmacy." When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the one with all the questions, rushed to the nearest drug store and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said that he did, but was surprised that a woman of her age would be asking for such a thing. He then inquired if she had a particular condom in mind. The old lady stood and thought for a moment, and finally replied, "Do you have one that will fit a Camel?" ********************************************************************************** Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John and said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Oh hell no. Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish. She was always loosing her water. She had a big crack in her back and a pretty big hole in the front too. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like crazy. But what really finished her off was these 4 guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them she wasn't any good but they wanted to have a go at her any how. The damn fools all tried to get on her at once and it was just too much for the old girl. She split right up the middle." The old woman fainted. *********************************************************************** An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing." ******************************************************************************************* Timmy and his grandfather were going fishing. They stopped to dig worms. The grandfather said, "Tim, I'll give you a nickle if you can pull that fat worm out of that hole without breaking him." Tim pulled the worm out and collected his nickle. Then the grandfather said, "I'll pay you $5.00 if you can put it back into that hole. Tim thought about it for a while... then ran home, returning with a can of hair spray. He sprayed the worm and slid it back into the hole. He collected the $5.00. Next morning his grandfather said, "Tim, Im real proud of how you figured that out yesterday... here's your $5.00." Tim said he had been paid the day before and grandpa didn't owe him anything. Grandpa said, "This is from your grandmother." *********************************************************************************** LIFE BEYOND FIFTY: Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know until the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.